B and I

had an interesting conversation last night. It started when I said something about me possibly living in Hawaii someday and that maybe when he went to law school that maybe I would go to Hawaii and we would go our separate ways. Then he got all quiet and and was like "I've never thought about that" not being together I guess? But I don't know how you can't...I wouldn't say I'm overly negative or pessmistic, but in the back of my mind I have to be open to the possibility that this relationship won't work out or that we'll just at some point part ways. I just don't know...so I didn't think that saying something like that would get that kind of reaction. He said that if he starts thinking that way, then it's over...that if it's just going to end at some point, then what's the point of doing this right now? But he kind of took that risk when he wrote to me in the first place knowing that he was probably going to be going to law school in the fall...so I don't get it. If me just suggesting that we would part ways someday will throw him off, then...well, I don't know. I just have to keep it in the back of my mind, because, I guess it's a defense mechanism, and kind of prepares me in case something does happen and it doesn't work out...then I'm not totally devastated. I can't just think that everything is roses and kittens because it's not...that's not reality...sure everything is wonderful right now and I love being with him and think he's great, but it's the honeymoon period, I don't think it will continue forever. I don't know, is it naiive on his part to have never thought about this? Or am I just negative and shouldn't be putting energy into doubting this relationship? Maybe it's somewhere in the middle. I told him that that's just how I am...it doesn't mean I doubt the relationship because of him...I would have this thinking in any relationship...I'm young, I don't know what's going to happen in a year or a week, so is it that weird that I would anticipate this relationship going belly-up in the future? I didn't think so, but the fact that he hasn't thought of it at all, makes me doubt my rationale. Could I be over-analyzing? There is a good chance of that. I should probably have told him though, that for as much energy I put into thinking that this won't work out, the other part of me thinks that it will work out, and what if he is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, or marry, or something. It feels a wee premature to be thinking like that, but it's still in the back of my mind...so there. It's not all negativity, but I think it's easier to doubt a relationship early on than it is to have blinders on and think that everything is just going to work out and be a fairy tale. Don't you think?

Anyway, yeah, just had to get that off my chest.