Thursday 8/2, I left work early and met Mom at my house, she took me to the airport, I checked in and got to my gate with no problems. I had a little bagel for a snack then boarded, slept for part of it, seat sucked and I wanted to kill the couple in front of me, read a little and we landed not too much later. It was 10:45 MN time but quite early my time. I got my luggage, caught a cab, talked to Dad on the way, checked into my hotel room and felt giddy. It was the first time I stayed in a hotel by myself and it felt fantastic. It was like 81 degrees out so I opened the window to get the full effect of a warm summer night. I watched cable, texted Eric about being vulnerable and he wrote back a very interesting message, got a text from Michael and eventually decided to turn in and get some sleep around 12:30. Got a text from Aubrie around 1:30 but didn't respond.
Wednesday 8/1, I finally gave into my impulsiveness and sent N a message that said:
Subject: No Subject?
May I politely ask why we are no longer speaking? I feel like a fucking leper over here.
So then I get a response right before leaving work early to go get my license renewed because I had TOTALLY forgot that it expired on my birthday and I was going to need it to travel. So at 1:54, approximately 20 minutes before I was done working for the day I got this little gem:
Subject: You are the opposite of a leper, except, with the correct number of limbs. Not extras.
Sorry to go all Tom Clancy deep cover on you for the last few days, I've sort of had too much going on to process and have just about fallen off the face of the earth for most people and activities except the very necessary involving my dad who is still at VM and the new job stuff and the old job stuff which are keeping my emotional amplitude pretty effing dramatic. So there's that. And then there's how all the shit going on at the moment relates to you and I, which as best as I can assess is that I just ran out of gas for also swimming into relationship territory, even light and casual relationship territory, in addition to all the other stuff that's happening right now. It's a time of great transitions, family health scares, career opportunities and chapters closing in my life, which all are taking a greater toll on my energy level than I anticipated. Like a perfect storm of stuff swirling around in the N***verse, if you will. We get along really swimmingly, as you know, and I did not wish to alarm you by being incommunicado. But I do think, after sticking my head up out of the cloud of stress-inducing life changing muck, that now is probably not the best time for me to be adding that dimension into my life. Life is all about timing I guess, yeah? Would love to still be amigos, though, seeing as we have a shared love of rafting and beaches and swimming and condos and lemon pound cake and tons of other things, if that's possible.
This didn’t shock me and the timing of it definitely gave me a lot to think about while I waited at the DOL for an hour. After I got my new temp license I called Kassie and filled her in and we chatted about other things then got a call from Mom and did the same thing with her, then Susan called and we talked forever and she cheered me up and made me forget about it a little, then about 20 seconds after I hung up with her my phone rang again and it was Kay-See who was eager for N-news since we had been emailing for the past 3 days about it and she knew I finally had an update. She was surprised with my news and we talked at length about all of it then discussed my birthday plans and eventually hung up. I began to construct my message back to him and eventually sent it to him after a few rewrites. I started crying again then started cleaning a little and packing. I ate some yogurt and blueberries for dinner because I didn’t have much of an appetite, which is probably a good thing for once. I watched some tv
Tuesday 7/31, I continued to hear nothing from N all day and thought it was rather hilarious. At home I went on my short walk because I had slept on my neck wrong and doing a long one would have killed me. I talked to Susan for a long time on the phone who I told to get me a new vibrator for my birthday because I had a feeling I was going to be needing it in the near future, but she offered to take J off my hands instead, so that would be pretty good too. I took a long hot shower and used my current v in conjunction with a detailed fantasy involving N (little did I know at the time that that’s all it would remain). I ate some rice for dinner and vegetated rather than do anything productive. I think I read for a while and eventually turned in around 10:30.
Wednesday 8/1, I finally gave into my impulsiveness and sent N a message that said:
Subject: No Subject?
May I politely ask why we are no longer speaking? I feel like a fucking leper over here.
So then I get a response right before leaving work early to go get my license renewed because I had TOTALLY forgot that it expired on my birthday and I was going to need it to travel. So at 1:54, approximately 20 minutes before I was done working for the day I got this little gem:
Subject: You are the opposite of a leper, except, with the correct number of limbs. Not extras.
Sorry to go all Tom Clancy deep cover on you for the last few days, I've sort of had too much going on to process and have just about fallen off the face of the earth for most people and activities except the very necessary involving my dad who is still at VM and the new job stuff and the old job stuff which are keeping my emotional amplitude pretty effing dramatic. So there's that. And then there's how all the shit going on at the moment relates to you and I, which as best as I can assess is that I just ran out of gas for also swimming into relationship territory, even light and casual relationship territory, in addition to all the other stuff that's happening right now. It's a time of great transitions, family health scares, career opportunities and chapters closing in my life, which all are taking a greater toll on my energy level than I anticipated. Like a perfect storm of stuff swirling around in the N***verse, if you will. We get along really swimmingly, as you know, and I did not wish to alarm you by being incommunicado. But I do think, after sticking my head up out of the cloud of stress-inducing life changing muck, that now is probably not the best time for me to be adding that dimension into my life. Life is all about timing I guess, yeah? Would love to still be amigos, though, seeing as we have a shared love of rafting and beaches and swimming and condos and lemon pound cake and tons of other things, if that's possible.
This didn’t shock me and the timing of it definitely gave me a lot to think about while I waited at the DOL for an hour. After I got my new temp license I called Kassie and filled her in and we chatted about other things then got a call from Mom and did the same thing with her, then Susan called and we talked forever and she cheered me up and made me forget about it a little, then about 20 seconds after I hung up with her my phone rang again and it was Kay-See who was eager for N-news since we had been emailing for the past 3 days about it and she knew I finally had an update. She was surprised with my news and we talked at length about all of it then discussed my birthday plans and eventually hung up. I began to construct my message back to him and eventually sent it to him after a few rewrites. I started crying again then started cleaning a little and packing. I ate some yogurt and blueberries for dinner because I didn’t have much of an appetite, which is probably a good thing for once. I watched some tv
Tuesday 7/31, I continued to hear nothing from N all day and thought it was rather hilarious. At home I went on my short walk because I had slept on my neck wrong and doing a long one would have killed me. I talked to Susan for a long time on the phone who I told to get me a new vibrator for my birthday because I had a feeling I was going to be needing it in the near future, but she offered to take J off my hands instead, so that would be pretty good too. I took a long hot shower and used my current v in conjunction with a detailed fantasy involving N (little did I know at the time that that’s all it would remain). I ate some rice for dinner and vegetated rather than do anything productive. I think I read for a while and eventually turned in around 10:30.
posted by Karrah at 5:17 PM
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