Monday 1/28, I had a dream about Jake and he dissed me so I kind of thought he was a jerk in my dream and kind of think he’s a jerk in real life too. I’m still shocked by all the sex-ish-y dreams I’m having on almost a nightly basis. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Kay-See and I were corresponding all day long because Zeph was leaving hilarious comments on her pictures and making her turn red at work. I was totally egging him on and encouraging him. I told him to step all over those toes. So K and I were going to have even more to talk about that night with this Zeph stuff added to the mix. After work I rushed home and started on the lemon cake and glaze and did my workout and felt pretty sore. I showered and got ready then called Ky and headed out. I picked him up and we went to the store so I could get cheese and salsa then into Seattle discussing boy things and ghosts. When we buzzed her she sounded upset so we instantly knew something was wrong then when she opened the door we again could tell something wrong and were both like “What’s wrong?” and she gave a quick “Nothing. Ryan’s here” so we weren’t happy but it became immediately clear that they were in the middle of something and it wasn’t good. Suffice to say they broke up, right there as Kyle and I grated cheese and tried to prep for nachies. She came back in and was upset then things escalated but didn’t get crazy or anything, just worse. Michelle showed up and it was on. All sorts of consoling and shit talking and supporting and since she was there Ky and I took off for the store for chips and sang a not-so-nice song about Ryan and all his bad traits then like 8 cars tried to run me off the road and I yelled at a car to sheezey my heezy and made Ky laugh. Then we continued to crack up going down the escalator because Ky was talking about using the elevator as a bathroom. We quickly got what we needed and headed back talking about R getting in a car crash. Lots had been accomplished on myspace by the time we got back and the trash talk continued. I chopped tomatoes and Ky started his tests and the talk continued. Then Zeph called and I talked with him for a minute then gave him an update on the situation and he was like “Let me talk to her” and she was like “Oh, wait, whaaaa?” as I handed her the phone. They talked for about 10 minutes and when she was done she was giddy. It was fantastic. When Ky finished his test we all inhaled nachos and K continued telling us horror stories about Ryan that made me want to punch him even more. We broke out the lemon cake and I have to say it was rather good and I think we all had two pieces except K. R texted and told K she could get her stuff so we all decided to go over with her and blasted Britney and Christina in the car for inspiration and that other song that reminds me of K and hiking (that “Good good luck, in your new bed…) and we all laughed when Ky emphasized the gun to the head part. It was actually really really fun. She didn’t want all of us to go up so we told her to pick whoever she wanted and she picked me because “Ryan dislikes you the most” I was like “WHAT?! Why the hell does he hate me?!” but then I thought probably because every time K came back from my house she broke up with him and he just put two and two together. And probably has something to do with the vibrator incident. Just a hunch. So I went up with her and he was trying to pick a fight, of course, and wouldn’t shut up about how she was disrespecting him and I told him it goes both ways but I’m sure he selectively chose not to hear it. We were in and out pretty quick and it was painless, well for me, and we were back down to the car in about 5 minutes. Ky and Michelle wanted dirt but there really wasn’t much. We drove back still bashing but also talking about Zeph and how hot he is, but that he’s more like a brother to me and that feelings of anything else aren’t there. I adore him though. Back at K’s we talked a little more then packed up because it was almost 11. We gave K a whole bunch more love and hugs before leaving and she was like “You guys are so wonderful and I so appreciate everything, but really, that call from Zeph made me feel so much better” and we were like “Thanks a lot!” it was cute. On our way to the car Michelle hit the back of Kyle’s leg with her bag and she told him it was a 30-pound floating cat and we laughed for a good 50 feet and could barely breathe. We drove Michelle-y home and talked about how to be there for K and that we don’t want any reruns. Ky and I chatted all the way home and it was snowing by the time we hit Eastgate. I dropped him and went home to see Ian online so I called him but he didn’t answer. He texted quickly asking if everything was ok and that he was trying to get to sleep. I told him yes but that I had good news and needed to be shared over the phone. Then I threatened him about knowing where he lives and he thought that was funny. I went to bed and it was almost midnight I think.

Sunday 1/27, Had a dream about Nic, nothing sexual, just that I saw him and Ben and visited a bit. What is it with dreaming about exes and other boys this week? Seriously, that’s 5 this week. Kay-See says you dream about what you’re craving, so I think if I don’t get at least a make out soon I might explode. Bahh. I got out of bed by 8:30 and was doing laundry and getting ready for brunchie with Kay-See. I left at 9:40 and made it there and found parking fine and when I got upstairs she gave me my X-Mas present and it was the Love Letters book from the same guy who did the Secrets one. She said it’s a much happier one and I was so excited. We headed down Rainier to Geraldine’s Counter, passed the Oh Boy Oberto store and when Eliso called asked her if she wanted a two pound bag of jerky and she was like “Uhh, no, that’s kind of gross” but Kay-See and I thought it sounded like a little bit of heaven and vowed to stop on the way back. We found Geraldine’s, almost missed it because we were ogling the bakery across the street, and I jumped out to put our name on the list and waited outside for K. We made jokes as others were seated then when it was our turn we got one of the tables in the middle and I started telling her my Eric story. The host guy came over and said he had a proposition and asked if we would move to the booth behind us so he could push some tables together and we were both like “YES!” before he could even finish asking so we moved and a few minutes later he brought out a HUGE piece of apple streusel coffee cake that was sooo good. Our food came shortly after and we did some damage but didn’t even come close to finishing but we definitely took down all the delicious bacon. We were stuffed so I boxed up what hadn’t been consumed, paid, thanked the host again and headed out into the sunshine. We went across the street to the bakery and I let one of the girls pick between the Blondie and the Donut Muffin and she picked the Blondie. We went next door to the little flower / gift shop and I almost bought like 5 things but resisted. Back to the car we headed to Oh Boy but they were closed, boo! We saw all those bags of jerky taunting us from inside and drove off a little sad inside. K wanted to go to Seward Park for a walk so we found it and started the 2.5 trek. We talked about redheads and how we’re both destined to marry one and how my dreams mean that I’m craving physical contact…with a boy. Our walk was really beautiful and filled with laughter and gossip and just feeling wonderful. I also demonstrated some of my exercise video moves and K laughed, much as Susan does. We went back to K’s after getting a little lost and I took off from there over to Mom’s. Her and Alix wanted to do my video so after talking for a little while we all got our workout wear on, pushed the furniture out of the way and got down to it. I was proud of Mom because she did most of it then I put on Level 2 because Alix wanted to see it so we did that together then she was on a roll and wanted to do 3 so Mom and I watched her kick ass. Plus she’d had a 2 hour game earlier and was playing squash later so I was totally impressed. I didn’t stick around too long afterward because I was going to be coming back for dinner so I went home and cleaned my bathroom and hand washed some things then relaxed and I think talked to Susan. I blogged some and eventually showered and went back over to Mom’s. We watched an interview with Obama and had Pad Thai and brownies for dessert. I stuck around for a while and told them about Eric and took off a quarter after seven. I stopped at the store for groceries then home to watch Extreme Home Makeover. I read a good portion of my Love Letters book and sat and cried because so much of a lot of it was what I felt for Ian and it totally inspired me to finish my love letter to him. I worked on it quite a bit and cried but it felt good.

Saturday 1/26, I had a make out dream with LPC, but in the dream I only made out with him a little then rebuffed his advances. And it felt really good. I smiled wickedly at him after indicating that any physical advances would be dismissed. I woke up semi-early but was comfy and tired so I stayed in bed until after 10. I finally got motivated enough to get dressed and make it out the door to MI to the bank. I never got my title from my car over three years ago so I went to get it straightened out and was there for over an hour. The guy, Erik, (geez what is it with me and Eric(k)s?) helped me and eventually got things straightened out for me. He was cute but a quick search on myspace reveals he’s got a gf. I stopped at home for some lunch then into work for an hour and a half then back home to vegetate. I watched The Bread My Sweet and talked to Kay-See and Susan and discussed our respective plans. I took a little nap then got up and ate dinner and was just lazy for the rest of the night. I talked to Dad for a long time then Mom and watched Cops and a Tongan murder special that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before. I talked to Auntie Lauryn then Grandma for a really long time and listened to how her trip is going. I saw Ian online a couple times and keep hoping that he’ll reach out…but he doesn’t. And it makes me sad. It really breaks my heart. My fear is that before long I won’t know him at all and will be totally cut out of his life.

Friday 1/25, I talked to Susan after work and we decided to meet at my house. She beat me there and when I arrived I told her all about my Eric encounter and she showed me her hickey then we took off with her regaling me with tales of making out and a very cute boy. Karrah’s jealous. Insanely so. We hit Target first and I got some new shirts and stocked up on cereal - the bad kinds. Next we went and got Chinese for dinner and both decided to try something new. I liked the veggie egg one, it was like a giant omelet! We talked more (in detail) about Susan’s night and about my options with Eric and ate a lot. We joked that the waiter was eating my leftovers in the back instead of boxing them up. Our next stop was Costco where we both picked up earth-friendly light bulbs and I got some other stuff. We went back to my house where I broke out the chocolate chips and computer and hunkered down onto the couch for more conjecturing and strategizing. We did that until about 10:30 then Susan went home and I showered and got ready for bed and fell asleep a little after 11.

Thursday 1/24, When I got home from work I did my workout video and it again kicked my ass and I was sweaty and red as ever. I cleaned a little bit before taking a shower and eating dinner. Michael called while I was cleaning and told me to come any time after 9 and told me I should change my voice mail to the Rairdon song, but to make it my own interpretation by singing it. We had each other laughing so hard. I just love him. While I was getting ready I watched Ugly Betty which I have somehow gotten sucked into; I don't even think it's funny or even care about it but I can't not watch it. Ugh, let's hope I get over it soon. After it was over I grabbed my Izzies, hit the road, called Susan and met her up in front of the Egyptian. We got decent parking on Denny then walked to Michael's from there. When we entered his apartment we were greeted by Rebecca, Sydney, Nick and a ton of candles. It was so romantic or something. I broke out one of my fizzy drinks and we all settled in and started talking. Michael got out the Hershey's Miniatures and when Susan snitched that I'd eaten a Mr. Goodbar he was like "You bitch!" which made me laugh. We spied on some of the neighbors and Michael gave us the dirt on everyone...then got out the binoculars. Pretty soon another guy showed up, Ed, and he drives old people around and gives them facials which is totally fascinating. Susan and Michael talked about music and shows and it was all over my head because it was before my time. Michael broke out the picture box and was pulling out all these pictures of Eric and I just sat there looking lovingly at them, mostly because he wasn't wearing a shirt in the majority of them and you could see all his tattoos. Sighhh. Susan scolded Michael and told him no more pictures of Eric, but I was like "What else have you got in there Michael?" Rebecca knows Eric and said he's got a heart of gold and is a good guy but lately has been acting like a dick. Interesting. Michael told us about some movie with Ryan Phillipe and a chocolate bar that had me and Susan cringing. Then, THEN, Jesse showed up. Oh Jesse. He was so hot but of course gay. At least I know where he works though...heh. Why am I so into bouncers? Gay or straight, bring em on! Anyway, it was a lot of fun and I'm glad he had us over because meeting new people (especially hot ones) is always fun and I like filling my time before Neighbs with a little something different and unexpected. We both got hugs from Michael and Ed on our way out and semi-jogged back to my car. It was freeeezing. We drove up, parked on Broadway and when I told Susan I would meet her inside because she had to put her scarf in her car she was like "Fine, you're not getting a ride to your car later!" and I laughed. When we went in there was no sign of Eric and I was like "Where the hell is he?!" and Susan was like "Take it up with him" pointing to the money guy and right at that moment he walked in. Whoops! I asked "Where were you last week?" and he was sick and ended up upstairs somewhere sleeping on a couch for 4 hours. We went in and checked our coats right away because it was so hot in there then did a bathroom stop and one of the trannies was like "Why the hell do they put flyers right on the mirror? They just don't want us girls at the club!" and I was like "Um, yeah, I know!" but I really don't because I doubt the boys bathroom is much better. I went out and waited for Susan and while waiting talked to Ginger and she was wearing red glittery lipstick (a la Dorthoy's slippers) and gave me a big hug when I complimented her outfit...I still think she wants to make out with me. We went out to dance fairly quickly and got hugs from Tye and started noticing the hilarity around us. There was a frizzy haired guy dancing all around us that evening, but I think it was less about us and more about him looking at himself in the mirror. I got a brilliant idea to text Michael so I came up with this little gem (not approved by Susan): "Michael, I'm in love with Jesse. Do you think he'd make out with me? Ha!" so I sent and got back "Yup!" then I told him not to tease me and that I love him. He sent me back something equally gushy. We kept our eye out for boys and saw Eric patrolling and I would sing to him as he walked away or had his back to me. We saw Margot and Socks and Sandals in a big hug-y dance thing with some other girl but Margot managed to break out a few minutes later. Ky showed up; cue me squealing and jumping up and down, and I told him Eric was there and we gossiped a bit then he left to get a drink. Von Trapp was playing all sorts of ridiculous 90's mixes so Susan and I left too and stood by Ky. He was trying to show me a guy wearing tight-in-the-hips hip huggers then when Eric walked by and paid us some attention he said "Would you just sleep with him already? Oh my God, this is so Sex and the City! I'm Stanford and I'm with you girls at the club, and oh, your hair is so Carrie right now and I'm like "You're sooo going to sleep with him!"" So that was fun. Then Vicki and Ryan showed up with a whole bunch of people and I was separated from Ky then I noticed some guy pushing him, looked like a bouncer or something, so I rushed over and pushed the guy from behind and was like "Get off!" and he was like "It's cool, it's cool!" and I was like "No it's not, get off!" and continued pushing. He left Ky alone but Ky was like "He just put his hand down my pants" so I asked him if he wanted me to tell Eric, but the guy left so we didn't. He wanted to go have a cigarette and said he would be back in if the guy was out there. He didn't come back in but I got a text saying he was going home. So Susan and I are back on the floor dancing our cares away when all of a sudden she's like "Oh God, Damon's here" and sure as shit he was and he was looking gooo-ood. Suddenly the night was getting infinitely more interesting. Teal and Darren showed up with Jeff in tow who is now sporting a lip ring (hmm, I think I have a thing for those, maybe he read my profile and knew how to lure me in), a scruffy beard and much shaggier hair. Susan did a lap and I waved at Jeff and before I knew it he was over and talking and dancing by me. We chatted about the Eastside and work and getting up early and his lip ring and he was standing very close to me, but whatever, I'm not too worried, he seems fairly harmless. I could’t stop looking at his lip ring though. Susan beckoned me over to where she was dancing with Teal and I got a hug out of him and we all danced in a circle. The boys left and I wanted some water so we went to my favorite and he was testing me seeing if I would still find him then we fled upstairs, because Damon was up there, and ended up running into him at the top of the stairs. I stood and watched the crowd as Susan talked to him for a long time. Eventually these two guys came up and told me to sit down and talk with them and I didn't resist, I just resigned myself. Travis and Jered (gay and straight respectively) asked me who I was there with so I pointed to Susan then all the boys and they were floored I know Tye and that he's straight. Susan came over then we went down and danced and treat of all treats, Darren came and danced right next to us and even smiled. That polo shirt was so f-ing hot. It was getting late and I hadn't talked to Eric yet and since Damon was lurking around I told Susan I was going to go stand by the pillar and hope that he'd come talk to me. We saw him walking and she was like "There he is, go!" so I went and stood by myself and I bet I only had to stand there for about 40 seconds before he came up from behind and scared the shit out of me. He told me that if I'm not going to dance then he's going to tell them to bring the drag shows back, then I touched his arm and told him how excited I was that they hadn't done even one that night. We talked for a long time about work and him being sick and how paramedics take awful care of themselves and he kept using the word "civilians" which cracked me up, then working out and, oddly, sewing, safety pins (for his shirt) and suturing. He eventually had to go work the door so I went upstairs to look for Susan, spotted her in the back bar with Damon so I ran down and told her I was leaving, said hi to Damon then went and got my coat. I put it on, tapped Eric on the shoulder and just gave him a little wave, since he was talking to someone, and he looked at me and held up a finger, like wait a second, so I stood there for a few seconds then that guy left. The dialog went like this:

Him: So you're taking off?
Me: Yeah, I've gotta work in the morning.
Him: (getting out cell phone) Well, I want to get your number because I'm going to be putting in my notice, so...
Me: You're leaving?! Nooo.
Him: (a bunch of stuff about working two jobs and actually getting to have a day off and not wanting to work the club scene anymore)
Me: (punching my number into his phone with colorful post-its) Well, since we're both on the Eastside I guess we kind of owe it to ourselves to hang out.
Him: (confirming where I live on the Eastside)
Me: Yeah, so give me a call (mischievous smile) See you next week... (started walking away, turned around to smile again).

So I'm on my way down the alley and see PMT and I'm like "Hi!" because I'm all excited about Eric, and he stops like 29 feet from me and is like "Hi!" so then we move closer and start chatting for a few minutes about it being cold and working in the morning and how it's warm inside and how since it's already Friday you might as well live it up and that work on a Friday is going to suck anyway so you might as well float through it half-asleep. It was fun and he's so nice. Who knew? Well, I think Susan did. We bid each other good night and I walked quickly to my car, though I started walking the wrong way since I forgot I parked on Broadway, and texted Susan on the way. Then in the car I texted Ky, drove home and received a "Yay!" text from Susan. Went to bed right at about two, and very giddy.

Wednesday 1/23, What is it with me having dreams about boys lately? I had the funnest dream about Sam...in a sort of middle school way. He was having a sleep over with a whole bunch of people and I got there late but laid down not long after I got there because I was so tired. Some guy pulled my blanket off me and dragged it over to the spot next to Sam (meanwhile in my dream I'm only wearing my underwear and bra - geez! I’m such a floozy!), so I got up, walked over to where my blanket was and laid down in the spot next to Sam. Before I knew it Sam's foot had crept under my blanket to rest on my foot and he asked if that was ok. I said yes, but was so tired I didn't think much else of it. Then he got up to go do some carving because his back hurt. Apparently that helps. A few minutes later everyone had gotten up and left so I got up then Sam came back in. I don't remember the rest but I vaguely remember a chalk board and Sam showing me something on it. See? Fairly middle school. Anyway, my Wednesday at work was like the most entertaining ever, involving texts from LPC (":) you're painless"), trading messages back and forth with Susan about Moppet who's going to be in town for a few days and might get neck punched, and lastly messaging back and forth with Kay-See who had received a message then a photo comment from Zephy that was very suggestive and absolutely hilarious. My jaw was on my desk then the laughter couldn't be stopped. Things after work were not quite as entertaining. I went to the DMV to try and track my title that I should have had 3 years ago, so I figured out what I have to do there then went home and worked out and added the next step of the program and it absolutely kicked my ass. I was sweating all over the place, my face was beet red and I couldn't even keep up. It was insane but I felt good afterward so it was worth it. I made some dinner, watched tv, showered and got the pjs on and just relaxed. I talked to Susan for a while then put on Inside Job which was good and played Solitaire. I went to bed a little after 11.

Tuesday 1/22, At work I read online that Heath Ledger died which was totally shocking. I received multiple texts and myspace bulletins but I already knew by the time those came in. LPC posted a hilarious bulletin and asked “Too soon?” and it definitely is, but it was still funny. Michael called to chat and we talked about Heath and Thursday and perhaps getting together prior to going to Neighbs. I picked up my prescription after work then went home and started a fire because it was so cold. I brought my computer down and sat in front of the fireplace and watched tv and read a little of my Martha Stewart Weddings then made stuffing for dinner and wondered why I haven’t done it more often because stuffing is DELICIOUS. I probably sat around on my ass and did nothing for the rest of the night. I’m productive like that.

Monday 1/21, I dreamt that Eric's roommates wanted him to be with me more than with Nicole and so when I invited them all to go to Leavenworth with me they insisted on taking their own car because they wanted me and Eric to have time alone together. Eric spent a lot of time getting his stuff into my car for the trip, including some gray running shoes that I'm pretty sure he would never ever wear in real life. My dream ended before we ever made it on the road. Hmm, bizarre. I had my follow up dr appt for my skin and it went fine, I had my blood drawn, took the pregnancy test, took the quiz and asked the questions I had then walked out, prescription in hand. While at work LPC sent me a very nice message on myspace that said he was glad we met and that he feels like his life is better because he knows me. I was very touched, even if it's all bullshit, so I wrote him back and proposed getting together sometime to talk story. He wrote me back within minutes with entertaining commentary and agreed about meeting up. I don't think he's interested in hookin it up, but I've been severely wrong about these things in the past. In any case, I'm not interested, and that's that. After work I went to try and fill the Rx but they have to order it because I had to give them the little card, plus the prescription and they have to look me up in database so getting this stuff is like the biggest pain in the ass ever. At home I stretched for my workout while talking to Susan then worked out and felt pretty sore afterward...which is a fantastic feeling. I ate some dinner, paid some bills, talked to Susan again about Mulally, their show on Friday, J, LPC, Ian and myspace stalkers. I wrote Ian a non-stalkerish message and he replied with an equally funny “Girl, you craaazzy!” and a happy face. I watched tv but went to bed fairly early because I had a dentist appointment at 7 the next morning.

Sunday 1/20, I woke up around 9 and stayed in bed until about noon watching some tv, reading and listening to music (found the style article about Matthew in a back issue of Seattle Magazine – tore it out for Kass) then crawled out of bed and made myself workout before I was allowed to have lunch. I sweated my ass off, hopped in the shower then allowed myself my leftovers from the day before. I ended up watching some horrible movie on tv for a little while then turned it off and headed out to the store. Kassie called me and I ended up sitting in the parking lot talking to her for about 45 minutes before finally hanging up and heading into the store. When I got home I unpacked then hunkered down with my Accutane book / info and finished reading it. I filled out some of the paperwork and read the clinic handout. I talked to Mom about it then watched a crocodile special. I was lazy for the rest of the night watching tv, reading and talking to Susan and Dad.

Saturday 1/19, I had THE hottest dream about bouncer Eric. I dreamt we made out and it was very very very good. Now I don’t know if I could ever make out with him in real life because it might be a little disappointing. I don’t know where we were in the dream but what I do know is that it was totally hot and he was like the best kisser ever. And he had his shirt off and it was all just very good. Ok, I’m done. I woke up very late, 9:40, so I got out of bed, threw on some clothes and was out the door to go get gas. When I got home I fed J, ate some breakfast then started getting ready to meet up with Kelly. I called him a little after 11 to make plans for meeting up at the Science Center. I headed down and was driving around trying to find parking behind this jeep and it turns out it was him, as he called to ask if I was behind him, so I parked, found him in a different lot and we headed up to get our tickets. We decided to wait on lunch so we went to the beaver IMAX show (insert all sorts of filthy jokes here) and it was very interesting and I feel like I know a whole shit load about beavers now. We talked as we waited for it to start and he filled me in on Hawaii and getting hit on by all the guys at his job and his family visiting and everything. After the show we walked over to Jalisco and had a nice lunch talking about traveling and our dream vacations. I didn’t feel like he was going to make any moves so that made me happy and put me at ease. We finished up and walked back across the street, hugged goodbye, I got in my car and called Susan as I drove home. I filled her in and she filled me in on some stuff and when I got home I crawled into bed and put on James Bond. After logging onto myspace and checking in on Ian’s profile I noticed Sasha had changed her picture and instantly noticed it was taken at Ian’s house and went to her profile and she’s got a whole new album of pictures of the two of them and pictures I can tell he’s taken and I just started bawling…loud, sobbing crying. I felt like I was going to throw up, and against my better judgment, which I was fully aware at the time, called him. He didn’t answer and of course my mind went right to thinking they were together. I was freaking out and couldn’t concentrate on my movie so before long I was banging out a succinct text “You’re breaking my fucking heart”. I’d wanted to call him all week, just to chat and say hi, but had held out because I want him to call me for once; I would like for him to miss me and want to talk to me and make that move…but that hadn’t really been working out so much. So I hadn’t talked to him in over a week and the first time he hears from me it’s going to be a crying, dramatic, accusatory mess. Great! So he responded to my text about 20 seconds later via a phone call. He was all worried like “What’s going on?!” and I said “So, you’re totally seeing Sasha right?” and he denied and gave me an explanation and I apologized and cried and he apologized that I felt so shitty but I still felt like a wreck. We hung up and I finished watching my movie then I called Susan to tell her all about it and she asked me if I believe him and I do but it still feels like something might happen between them and Susan said she doesn’t know if she would either because she doesn’t trust guys. As we were talking I got a message from Eric (of course!) so I decided to call him. His voicemail didn’t pick up so I wrote him back and told him to call me then told myself I HAD to get out of bed and went downstairs but was restless so I called Ian back again and he answered and I’m sure thinks I’m a total nut job. I apologized again and told him he doesn’t owe me anything and that it’s none of my business but he said he cares about me and respects me so he would tell me if he was but he isn’t and doesn’t have any prospects so I felt much better. We talked about other stuff because there were all sorts of things I had wanted to talk to him about earlier but didn’t because I was out of my mind. We talked music and plans and myspace and stalking (me of course) and he made fun of me a little and it felt great. I know it’s over but it was so reassuring. I told him it just felt rushed if he was already seeing someone and that it would cheapen what we had but that I felt like I deserved it karma-wise. He told me to stop thinking like that because that’s not how it is and a lot of other stuff so I felt much better. I then talked to Susan again and filled her in with my new Ian news and lack of getting myself into trouble with Eric news and she suggested maybe watching a movie and eating pizza so I told her I was going to work out but she should come over. After my workout I showered and got my pjs on and vacuumed then she showed up. We gabbed and laughed and joked about dp and who we would play “Just the Tip” with. I had a lot more on my list than she did. As soon as the pizza was out of the oven we popped in the third Pirates of the Caribbean and quickly realized we had no idea what was going on and were confused. (BTW – we polished off that whole damn pizza) We both got on the couch and Susan was out before long, then I was out because it was all very confusing and just so over the top. We both went in and out of sleep but finally I was awake but then the ending was like the worst ending ever and I’m like “What is this, Cold Mountain?!” Give me a break. After we both ranted and raved about the movie for a while I put on SNL and we laughed at Tracy Morgan then she headed out. I crawled into bed, watched a little more tv then went to bed.

Friday 1/18, Peggy let me leave at 12:30 to run a bunch of errands so when I was done I went home and ate lunch in the living room and watched Roseanne and read some of my magazine, then Tyra and Hillary Clinton was on and I like her more and more and don’t understand why everyone thinks she’s such a bitch. If the gender roles were reversed I don’t think it would be the case, but whatever, I’d totally vote for her. She’s no nonsense. I fell asleep after that was over and eventually got up and fed the cat and ate some dinner. I was semi-waiting to see if Chrystol would call me because there was a HR show at Easy Street in West Seattle and I decided early on in the day that if Chrystol called me to see if I was going then I would, but if she didn’t I’d stay home and watch Lord of the Rings or something pathetic. She did call and she was in the same boat as me (“Well if you go I’ll go”) so we decided yes then I called Susan and she wanted to go too so I got ready and hit the road to pick her up then over to West Seattle. We found it fine and as we were walking in passed this grandma in a Delorian and it was backfiring and we were laughing hysterically. Inside we found Chrystol and Schuyler, so we all talked music for a bit then moved the party into the area where the music was going to be. The guy came over and checked ids and I was like “Since I showed you my id does that mean I don’t have to pay?” and he’s like “No.” Ok, sorry I asked. That’s how it worked for Chrystol so I was hoping it was the same for me and Susan. Sam came over and there was chatter of the “Harper Rats” and how they’re all on harmonicas. That Sam, he’s very witty. The three of us girls went and sat on the stools at the bar thing and talked and this Seattle Times photographer came and asked us if she could take our picture and we said yes but I felt super awkward and don’t think I’ll go to the website to check it out. Sam came over and Chrystol told him she wants him to cover Queen’s Find Me Somebody to Love then told him to just leave the set lists up to her. He seemed mildly convinced. He told me they were playing a couple songs I had mentioned I liked at the last show (Replicant and Empty Parking Lots) which totally excited me. I asked how to get on Sam’s guest list and Chrystol asked me if that meant I would consider sleeping with him and I was all “Well, sure” or something so that was funny. You know, whatever it takes. Us girls continued gabbing then Schuyler came over and Susan had to inform me what DP actually meant, and I’m not writing it on here because I don’t need that foot traffic visiting this thing. Mulally went on and Chrystol and I were still fairly loud and obnoxious and Susan informed us that she was hogging all the Chris attention. Chrystol wanted me to pull down Susan’s shirt to expose her bra strap then later when she was actually playing along with it and we all started laughing, we look up and Chris is looking down and laughing as well, as he had seen the whole thing. It was wonderfully hilarious. He dedicated some song to some other girls and to us and we were caught once again in the act of talking and laughing. They sounded really good and I sang along with a few of the songs. They had a new guitarist who had been looking at me earlier before I knew who he was then for the show he had his leg up on the stage and leaned against the wall and we were all in stitches. We’re so bitchy, but it’s all in good fun. After they were done and the HR were setting up Chris came by and introduced himself again and we told him it was a good show and he looked all flustered then awkwardly walked away and Chrystol commented afterward that we intimidate him or make him feel uncomfortable or something. The HR went on and opened with the Parking Lots song that I love so that was fun and Chrystol and I sang along and I videotaped a little bit of it but my camera totally sucks and it looks like shit from that distance. Oh well. Sam gave me a couple shout outs which was fun and when he introduced all the band members we cheered extra loudly for Schuyler. They played a good set of songs and I sang along at the parts that I knew. I was hoping for that Blue Eye Shadow song again because I really liked that one from the Babalu show…maybe they’ll play it at one of the next ones. After the show the lights came up and the staff politely asked us to leave but we didn’t really, instead we stood around waiting for everything to be cleared out since everyone was going across the street to one of two bars. We were freezing so the three of us girls decided to take the party over to Matador and Chris said something to Susan or vice versa and Chrystol and I were like “Ooooohh!” and she was like “Shut up!” as we crossed the street. We went in and it felt very swanky. Chrystol headed straight for the back and snagged a booth. We got some waters and waited for the boys to arrive, so first was Schuyler and Michael then Sam. They ordered some nachos and while we were waiting Isaac came over and asked me if we’d met, then Sam said something about one of the songs being about me, or that I was in it or something, and Michael was like “Really? Are you from Wisconsin?” and all this stuff and I’m thinking “…Is Sam kidding? I have no idea what’s happening right now” so I tried to play along but was totally confused. We all talked and ate nachos and it was fun especially since everyone has great senses of humor. Everyone was going next door to the Indian place because that’s where the rest of the crew was hanging but I could tell Susan was tired so we all filed out, said bye to everyone and walked back to the car. We were crossing the street and saw a cop barreling down California and thought he was after us so we were laughing and running then Susan almost twisted her ankle. I drove her home then back to my house where I played online for a little bit before going to bed.

Thursday 1/17, I lit a fire when I got home and sat in front of it and played on my computer. I got a text from Ky asking if I wanted to get dinner so we decided on Las Margaritas and I talked to Mom as I circled the block looking for parking. He was already there and was like "What's the latest gossip? Spill!" so we started gabbing away about younger guys, both of us being on "How to Catch a Predator" or whatever that Dateline show is together, Vancouver, P, Eric the bouncer (Ky saw him push some guy out of the club a while ago and said he was really scary...oooh!) then he encouraged me to send a dirty text to Richie (to which his response was “Honey. You can ALWAYS suck some sweet stuff outta my can…but I was under the impression your sucking was entailed in the gay arena to only Neil. :O ß O face). We cleaned our plates, paid then vowed to meet up later at Neighbs. At home I sat in front of the fire and watched the end of Jeopardy then up to my room where I played on my computer and semi-listened to Ugly Betty in the background. I listened to Beirut's Sunday Smile and cried thinking about Ian. I just feel so so sad. Hopefully it'll pass soon because I feel terrible. I showered then talked to Susan, got ready and was out the door. I called Ky and Susan on the way in to give them status reports, parked and ran to meet Susan then into the club without seeing Eric. The place was empty so we went upstairs to see who had arrived and spotted Tye right away (of course) then Derek who hasn't been there forever and was with a girl and Susan said she looked "tired" ouch! Then this HOT guy walked by and Susan was like "Hel-LO" and I totally concurred especially when he came and stood by us to watch the crowd. I think Billy Idol came on so we ran down to check our coats and spotted Eric at the door and Susan gave him a dirty look and as we were walking away he did the fingers to the eyes thing to me again like "I'm keeping my eye on you" so I smiled and waved then we hit the floor like it was our job. We danced to a few good songs before a Cure song came on so we went to say hi to Tye then stood by the pillar and talked about the boys around us (Richrd look-alike, semi-cute guys) then saw Ky come in along with Rach-ho and some random guys who turned out to be straight “really horny” friends of R’s. I gave Ky a big hug and he told me about how Richie dressed him, said hi to Rachel, got a ginormous hug from Richie who also whispered sweet nothings into my ear then Susan and I went back out to the floor. The crew eventually joined us and before I knew it a rowdy game of T or D surfaced. Richie was dared to kiss someone and he made me pick and of course I managed to weed out the guy with a bf so Richie talked his ass off but did not emerge victorious. I refused to play because for me Neighbs is for dancing not T or D. Ky and Rach wanted to go out to smoke and Susan was with Richie so I went with them to try and flirt with Eric on the way out but he wasn’t out there, and since it was freezing outside I decided I would go back in after a few minutes and continued dancing with Susan. I showed Ky the cute boy, who had by this point disappeared, and he kept telling me to go over and dance with him and I was like “You’re out of your mind!” mostly because I couldn’t tell if he was gay or not. Another drag show came on and I was waiting by the pillar by myself and Ginger came over, the Asian trannie who's there every week, and said it's so nice to see a familiar face and she kept hugging me and kept her hand on my waist and was talking all close to my ear, forever. She's in a band with the other trannies and I told her I liked her outfit then she was gone and I ran to tell Susan she'd just missed a good show. I didn’t see Eric again that night and wondered if he’d had plans (he wasn’t wearing his hat) or if he was just hiding from me. Maybe I’ll ask him next week. Teal and Darren showed up and Teal blew me a kiss and before we left he gave me a kiss on the cheek which I can never get enough of. We decided to leave a bit earlier than usual, said bye to the peeps and headed out, still with no sign of Eric. Susan gave me a lift to my car and I drove home and went to bed.

Wednesday 1/16, I pulled something in the wee hours of the morning while sleeping and instantly felt it in my neck and upper back. Ugggg. At work I felt shitty because Ian uploaded a new picture of him and Sasha and she commented on it right away and I still suspect they're more than friends and it hurts and sucks because I'm not even close to being over him...even if I see him sometime in the future it's not like I get to hold his hand or kiss him or have that kind of relationship and it kills me. It makes me so sad. And makes me feel like shit. Bleh. Kay-See asked me what was going on and suggested an ice cream meet up later that night to lift my down-in-the-dumps spirit. I took it easy when I got home but felt like I hadn't done anything around the house in so long that I forced myself to hang up the laundry on my drying rack, set up the bed frame in the 2nd bedroom (refrained, because of my neck, from putting the box spring and mattress on though), rearranged the rug in the 2nd room and did a general sweep in the kitchen. I made dinner and relaxed after that, enjoying WoF and Jeopardy while talking to Susan on the phone about boys and ailments and boys some more. Kay-See beeped in and we made plans to meet up on MI at Baskin Robbins for some wallowing (strictly on my part). At 8 I took off and stopped at Walgreens for some vitamins then onto BR where K was already waiting. We perused ice cream for a long time and avoided children’s stares and loud slurping of ice cream. We finally both decided and got waffle cones then sat down to chat. I inhaled my ice cream as I presented all my evidence to K about how I think Ian is seeing Sasha or was or is going to. She gave me some things to think about then we moved onto lighter subjects…like where we think we’ll be in a year and how N will probably be available sometime around November. We talked about her trip to Mexico and how she’ll be doing a lot of looking over the top of her sunglasses and glancing side to side at the pool boy. We made lots of caliente jokes and she promised to bring home a spicy little treat for me as we were leaving at 9:30. I went home, showered, watched tv and read until it was time to go to bed.

Tuesday 1/15, I talked to Ky on my way home and we made plans for 7. At home I did my video, ate dinner and hopped in the shower. I rolled out right at 7 and called Kay-See to tell her Ky and I were coming and picked Ky up. He told me about his crazy neighbors then we discussed dramatic texts and conversations he'd had this week. When we got to bowling we found the crew in the corner and got big hugs then ordered the special. Only minutes later was Nicholas doubling over demonstrating what Kyle was going to be doing over the next couple days and he was like "Fuck you, you said they always get it! You said it was good!" to Kay-See and I was laughing so hysterically I couldn't breathe. "I'm trying to detox!" oh my, it was so funny. Like this meal was going to ruin his detox aspirations. We sat on the bench for a good part of the night talking and trying to warm up and being "bratty" (me: "I want ice cream!") but also spending some time on the stools watching K try to push Ky off his stool, "No fair, you have leverage!" So that was fun but then Ky and I started feeling not so good, I had little jabby pains in my stomach and he was having the same and a headache then concluded that the Chinese must have MSG in it. Oh well, mine came and went and it wasn't the end of the world. We had agreed to attend karaoke for a couple songs but then when we were all ready to go, including a bundled up Nicholas, we just stood around waiting and those boys were dawdling or something. After waiting a good 10 minutes with Matt and Jesse (while watching Ky push Kay-See into the "Toy Town" machine during a play fight) we said we would wait 5 more minutes. I was talking to Matt and mentioned not seeing Raj and he was like "He's right behind you" but I didn't recognize him because he cut all his hair off and now looks like Ian's roommate Ryan. That killed it for me, not that Ryan isn't an attractive guy, but the frame of reference is all off now. As over the top as the hair was I liked it better. Finally our 5 minutes was up so we started toward the door with Kyle urging, "Hurry up, he's coming!" as we were faced with Nicholas and I think Raj outside. We decided to go and bid K farewell and drove back to Issaquah talking about growing up and jobs and being happy and Cannes and Nice and being a homeowner and the glories (ha!) that come with. I dropped him and drove home, watched the news read a little then turned in.

Monday 1/14, I called Meghan to tell her I didn't want to chance it by driving in for my facial because of the heavily falling snow. We talked Acutane for a little bit which was helpful then I left work. I got a few things at the store and did my workout when I got home to get the blood moving. I ate dinner and laid on my bed trying to warm up because I was freezing. I watched a bunch of tv and did not much else. I watched OR to see Jonathan but I've missed so many I was trying to figure out what was going on. I went to bed after reading a little of my new Martha Stewart Weddings.

Sunday 1/13, I texted Eric early in the morning to wish him a happy birthday but never heard back. I slept in until almost 10 and was still extremely tired when I got up. I talked to Susan and told her I would be at her house as soon as possible. I dressed, got gas and talked to Dad as I drove in. I told him about Ian and he was very sweet and supportive...still amazes me how human he can be. I hung up when I got to Susan's and went up. We took off almost immediately since we were both hungry. Parking was a cinch except Susan freaked me out when she backed around a car to get to a parking spot. There was no wait at 14 Carrot and we both decided on our breakfasts fairly quickly. I got the Farmer and pretty much inhaled it then polished off Susan's piece of toast. Mmmm. As if all that food weren't enough we went down the street to Louisa's and each picked up a sugary treat to keep our spirits high for our walk around Greenlake. We drove down and started the lookout for cute boys. We were disappointed to not see, like, any. We also attempted to run people with babies off the path. Repeatedly. Heh. The sun felt so good and I even took my coat off toward the end because I was so warm. We saw two cute boys on a bench then I spotted a super hot guy on a bike but Susan wanted the boys on the bench because there were two. I told her she could have both of them if I could lock down the bicyclist. THEN another cute biker goes by and I looked him straight in the eye and said "Oh my, there's ANOTHER cute one!" and he smiled as he rode off. Susan can't take me anywhere! We drove back to her house and looked up a few open houses in Ballard and set back out with the windows cracked slightly and Ratatat turned up. The first one didn't look like it was actually open so we attempted to find the second one but didn't see it so instead we just kept driving and ended up in a neighborhood overlooking the water and found an open house down there that looked promising. It was a huge Dutch Colonial but was such a mish mash of remodels on the inside it just felt disjointed and a bit awkward. We drove around a little more, by the skate park and back to Susan's. I dropped her off and was tired so I drove home and called Mom on the way who confirmed there was no dinner. At home I put on Sex and the City and fell asleep for two hours. I snacked a little when I woke up and mostly vegetated watching tv until it was bed time. I think I crashed out at 10:30 or so.

Saturday 1/12, I got out of bed around 10 and started laundry and cleaning then talked to Chrystol about a web Schuyler was weaving then to Susan and filled her in on the prior night’s events, then Sos about our walking / lunch plans. I continued cleaning and finally got dressed a little before 1 and took off to Sos’. After I got there we took off with the dogs and wandered around in back neighborhoods talking about Ian and our messaging then about her work and how well that’s going and ended up back at her house after about a mile and a half. We went to the little café for the happy hour special but the sandwiches weren’t as good as last time. I left when we got back and called Ky, picked him up, we went to Safeway to do all our respective shopping and I saw Molly and chatted with her for a minute and felt embarrassed that I was in hiking gear with no makeup on, but whatever. We ran around and got our stuff then over to Target to try and find the Loaded Questions Adult version but came up empty and went back to my house to start cooking. We both started in and had a fun time playing off each other and joking. When I got my stuff in the oven I went up to take a shower and when I came back down Ky made me try his risotto which was soo good. Very impressed Ky! I showed him what I’ve done upstairs and we ended up on the computer trying to find the game, finally found one up at Crossroads, so I quickly got ready, we grabbed our dishes and out the door we went. When we got to the game place the guy totally pulled out the wrong one and we were so bummed. As we drove toward the freeway Kay-See called and asked about R and I said it was fine and can’t dictate who can come to a party that I’m not throwing. Ky called Richie to let him know then we gabbed for the rest of the trip in. We got rock star parking right in front and went up to find Cory busy assembling the most delicious brie, flank steak and bread appetizers. Throughout the night I think I seriously ate about 7. And they weren’t small. The four of us talked and I heard stories about how Ky is always picked on when they play truth or dare and got slapped in the face twice during the last round. Neil was next to show up and I got a nice long hug from him, mmmm. He was lookin goood. The talking continued then K showed up with the most delicious looking s’more brownies. I just wanted to shove all that food in my mouth right then but ended up waiting for Chris to show up before doing that. I tried everything and I think my favorite were Cory’s steak things. People seemed to like my quiche-y thing too so that was good. At one point Chris casually said “Spit on it and stick it in” and I was in stitches and said it for the rest of the night. I promised it would be my new headline as soon as I got home. Before we could finish eating the paper was passed out for a new version of T or D where each person writes two truths and two dares and everyone puts them into a hat and one by one people pick them out of the hat and you have to do it…except you get two passes. I was totally nervous and of course my first one was “Show your nipple (just one) – No hesitation” except I totally hesitated and just kept saying that I didn’t know if I could do it. But I did because it was just “the girls” and it was only a second. Chris said I have, like, the most perfect nipples ever and I called him a flatterer. The rest were a piece of cake after that mostly because I didn’t have to do them as they pertained to having to kiss myself. Ky definitely ended up with the short end of the stick getting kicked in the shin (twice), hands run through his hair, his inner thigh bit, earlobe sucked on, kissed on the cheek and probably more that I’m forgetting. Neil had to call an ex, there was lots of flashing the street, there were many dares for people to French kiss me which were taken as passes, I half attempted to dry hump Neil on the couch but gave up because I was too nervous and everyone had their cameras ready, Rachel licked the bottom of Neil’s shoe, Richie showed his butt, Kay-See got her ass pinched and many graphic questions. It was fun, then we played Apples to Apples which I was sucking so bad at so Neil gave me one of his cards out of pity. Eventually I just started trying to pick a card that would be the first discarded because whether I tried or not mine was always seen as going “too far” so that was funny. I eventually got one so that felt good, I think it was the James Dean one. The AIDS one was hilarious because it works 24/7! 365! It’s the busiest! Neil’s shuffling cracked me up and he’s such a flatterer. He called me Mariah after he heard me singing a little and I told him he was so full of it, but giggled and gave him a coy smile anyway. Rach said something to Neil about getting on his lap and I was like “Back out!” and he was like “Yeah, I’m spoken for” and I was like oh snap! That’s right. Oh Neil, you make me tingle in places covered by my bathing suit. K left partway through Apples then Ers showed up and we decided to do round two of T or D. I didn’t want to and tried to leave but got pressured into it. Afterward I packed up my stuff then Richie pulled me into his room and shut the door so we could get some pictures together even though we both looked drunk in both of them. I got hugs from the rest of the crew and pawned off the other quiche on Neil and Cory. At home I saw Ian was online when I so I called him but he was out so I only talked to him for a few minutes. I watched SNL and updated this before going to sleep at 1:00.

Friday 1/11, I was off work early so I went home and popped in Me, You and Everyone We Know and laid in bed. I talked to Susan then decided to call Chrystol and Schuyler to see if they wanted to go to the SH for happy hour, C said they were just eating dinner but wanted to talk about insurance so I gave her a little advice and told her I would call on Sunday. I texted Eric to see if he was even working and he was so then I called Ky and he invited me to go to Neil’s so I hopped in the shower and heard my phone ring, then as I was getting out it rang again and it was C saying that S was up for happy hour and so was she so I told her I had to call Ky back and would let her know. Ky didn’t feel like going so it worked out well and I took off. When I got there we discussed my blog and some suspicions I have which was all very entertaining for S and C. We packed up and headed out and admired the deluxe port-a-potties on our way in. I saw Eric right away and we went into the bar to sit down. I saw Jason but didn’t think he saw me. Apparently he must have though. So C gets out the insurance stuff and we start going over it and I told her my opinion. Our food came and so did some questionable water which C brought to our waiter’s attention. At one point I looked behind me and noticed Eric’s gf sitting at the bar and directed C and S’ attention and C made a comment about how it seems the boys I date choose angular brunettes after dating me. My apparent opposite. What’s that all about? She’s right. Brandon…Nick…Eric…probably Ian…there could be more but I wouldn’t really know. The three of us talked about Brandon and kids, S’ Eric, the other Eric and my blowout with R. Chrystol was fairly appalled at his lack of respect for her private life which I of course agreed with but whatever. So then I notice Jason walking out of the bar, then Eric’s gf so I’m like, “Oh good, she’s leaving, now I don’t have to feel so bad going to talk to him or whatever” but she was only gone for a little bit. So anyway, then I look up to the doorway and Eric’s standing there looking right at me with Jason behind him so I waved and he waved back. I don’t know if Jason told him or what but he was looking right at our table. A few minutes later he came over and asked us how the food was then quickly said he had to go (I think the gf was watching). They did last call and we got the bill and it was like $3.50 so obviously Eric had taken care of it which was very nice but I feel bad because I don’t want him to think that’s why I go there. He ended up coming back out and sitting down with us and we thanked him and chatted for a minute before he went back over to the gf. C gave me a play by play because I couldn’t see all that clearly from the reflection in the window. We packed up and as we were discussing Susan’s list on the way out (C: “Does she really have a list written out?”) we walked by them and he introduced me to the gf and she seems very nice then we went out to the car with C saying “She’s a woman” in a very low voice, referring to me. I drove them back to their place and dropped them off and drove home. I’m glad they wanted to go out because I always have so much fun with them and they’re both just so funny. I went to bed when I got home.

Thursday 1/10, I had decided to send Ian my blog entry from the night of Sos’ wedding in WI just because it’s fun to read and is a trip down memory lane, so I copied it into an email then added a message at the end that made me a little nervous, but it was true so I felt like I needed to say it in some form. Within an hour I had a text with the same message back from him then a sweet message that made me teary. It gave me a sense of relief and made me totally happy. I talked to Susan and we discussed meeting up and I got ready for Neighbs and headed in a bit before 11. We were greeted by Eric who tried to take my id and if there was more I don’t remember then went upstairs to check out who was there. We spotted Awkward right away in school girl getup then spotted two other girls in similar garb. It was a school girl night! We checked our coats and hit the floor. Most of the songs were good and it wasn’t long before we spotted Eric making the rounds which always delights me but then a drag show came on, which super does not delight me. We stood off to the side and took pictures then when it was over we were back out dancing. Teal and Darren showed up and danced by us for a while and we were both short of breath from those delectable dance moves. Then, THEN, Susan’s PT bf showed up and started in with his totally hot dance moves, THEN the guy I think from UPS started dancing right by us so it was like being surrounded by a dancing hot boy army. I thought Susan was going to explode. Kicky Beret showed up again wearing his Russian fur hat and we got a hug from Tye who was wearing black spandex shorts. Eric walked by us on the dance floor and Teal was all mock handsy as he walked away and I was like “Back out Teal, he’s mine!” and he was like, in all seriousness, “Have you had him?!” and after I laughed and told him no he was like “Well you should!” I know, right? At some point some straight boy came and asked if him and his friend could dance by us and I just looked at Susan, and she didn’t ignore or snap, she told him we mostly gossip and would leave it up to me. I told him we didn’t want to move and eventually they came back and danced with us. The one in the hat was talking to me and he said I should dance with Kicky Beret but I told him no way we only just watch him, then he was like “Did you see that guy in the spandex shorts? Doing like pirouettes?” and I was like “Yeah, that’s Tye” so then he uses that information to impress Susan as I talked to the other guy. Very sneaky. He told me they wanted to go to a good 80’s Night and it was their first one there. They were nice but neither of us was interested, even though they’re probably one of the cutest sets of boys to hit on us there. I still think Eric and Michael will take the cake on that one. I looked up toward the stage at one point and caught Eric’s eye and he did the whole I’ve got my eye on you hand gesture and I just smiled and nodded. Another drag show was manifesting so Susan and I fled and Eric came right over. It was a Mary Poppins act and we all stood there in horror. He started telling me about a Mary Poppins production he was in then Susan discreetly removed herself to talk to Teal and Darren and I sat chatting away with Eric. He was making a lot of Fight Club references that I totally wasn’t getting and more about his jobs and aspirations and moving to foreign countries. Eventually I told him it was time for me to get to Susan but then the drag show was over and I think Jitterbug came on so we ran back out and danced to a song or two then got our coats. Eric said bye and told us to drive safe then we walked to our cars. I found the sweetest text from Ian and totally got teary and continued to read it over and over on my way home.

Wednesday 1/9, I went straight to Mom's after work for Alix's birthday dinner and I still can't believe she's 18. I sat in traffic forever but wasn't even the last one there as I rolled in 15 minutes late. I greeted Ernie and Erika and told everyone about my sore muscles from my workout video and how I'm walking around like an old lady all hunched over because it hurts to move my legs. Grandma and Auntie Lauryn showed up last and we all sat down to dinner. I told Auntie my idea for dates to go to Kauai and the only thing she said was "Only a week? How about you extend it two or three days" so then I was like ok, I guess I can stay a day longer and planned to make the reservation when I got home. I stayed for a while after cake and singing then got out of there because I was tired and just wanted to be home. I made my reservation to go to Hawaii and I don’t really know what I did for the rest of the night. Probably went to bed later than I should have.

Tuesday 1/8, I called Ky back on my way home and we chatted as I shopped at Fred Meyer about plans and K and R and I told him I needed to talk to K before I could commit to bowling. I checked out, picked up my prescription, drove home, unloaded the shit and called K. I told her how I felt and we talked for a while and I was glad that I got it off my chest and she wasn't defensive so overall it was good and I told her we'd probably see her at bowling. I called Ky back and we decided on 7:00 and I hurried to get ready. I steamed some veggies for dinner, grabbed some candy and hit the road. I called Susan on the way and filled her in then Ky hopped in and off we went. We talked all the way there about jobs and such, scored rock star parking and went in where we were greeted with very enthusiastic K hugs. We all went over to the lane they were on and Nicholas was there and looking scruffy but cute and tall as all get out. Ky and I giggled and he played coy when I repeatedly told him I was going to try to have my way with him later in the evening. He'd giggle and put his hand up to his mouth and look away. It was soo funny. We rooted Kay-See on and she got a couple spares from what I remember. Ky and I ordered chicken strips and fries and put everything down. Then we spotted that someone had ordered Chinese next to us but it wasn't getting touched and Ky wanted to steal it. About 20 minutes later it was gone and Ky whined "even the little bowl of rice!" but clarified that he'd be distracted in a few minutes by the next dish brought out. Oooh, beef and broccoli! I talked to N a little and he was again impressed with my Labello love and said he would let me know if he found it somewhere for cheaper than $8 a tube. I decided I wanted a candy bar and bummed 10 cents off Kay-See then I come back into the conversation and N was scoffing that K would think he has "a Kit Kat" and was like "Come on, at least a Baby Ruth or a Butterfinger! A Kit Kat?!" then he posed the question to me, and I was like “Come on, he’s 6’5”, of course he’s got more than a Kit Kat, hellloooo!” Ky and I shared a Twix and tried not to laugh when I did ridiculous things with it in my mouth as K walked up. Ky gave K a breath mint to be funny, all secretive in the hand and caring like. Hmm, what else, talked to Jesse and Jake then Matt showed up and we talked a little and laughed about Raj and how he was actually good for once but it didn't last long. We wrapped things up around 9:45 and promised we'd karaoke next week...assuming K is still in. We discussed what we're bringing to the pot luck and after K left I was like "You should bring your step dad's salad and show up K!" but he's not going to. We gabbed all the way back to Issaquah then I went home and felt good that it wasn't too late. I updated this thing then went to bed.

Monday 1/7, When I got home my new exercise video was waiting for me so after chatting with Susan about the night's plans I called Chrystol and left a message, cleaned J's box, put on my workout gear and popped that sucker in. It was no more than 3 minutes in and I was already huffing and puffing. My workout total was 30 minutes and it kicked my ass. I was exhausted but felt great...until I tried to go up the stairs. My legs almost gave out. C called back during my workout and gave me the skinny on the evening and wished me luck with my video. I ate a salad and some steamed carrots for dinner then showered and prepped for the Mulally / Harborrats show. Schuyler called me and told me Brandon was going to be there because they'd had plans to watch Gladiators and forgot about the show, so I mentally prepped for that. I talked to Susan and told her about my already-achy muscles and she suggested a banana so I fixed myself a smoothie then hit the road. I parked a block away and met Susan then went in. It was very orange in there but I liked it. We found the crew right away and I made the rounds with my greetings. Chrystol, briefly Brandon, Justin, Schuyler and Sam. They were all standing around chatting so it was fun to come into that circle. We started talking about who's on Susan's list and B was like "Am I on your list?" and I was like "HAHAHAA!" you're on someone's list and it might just result in a neck punch. We all chatted about A and his fashion and how he questions Sam before he leaves the house which we kind of got a kick out of. I mostly avoided eye contact with Brandon because I didn't know if he was still thinking that he wants to get back together or what, but that's definitely not on my mind...been there done that, and, no offense to B, I don't feel like I need to go down that road again. I need things that Brandon is unable to give and I'm not willing to compromise on those things. So there we have it. Mulally went on and in the second song Chris looked at me and since I knew the words I kept singing and staring back and kind of challenged him with my eyes and let a small smile creep onto my face and it made him smile then he turned back. It was hilarious and both Susan and Chrystol were laughing and nudging. I know it's bitchy but I hoped B had seen. You broke my heart, so suck it. Augh, get over it Karrah. Moving on. So they played a great set and I kind of danced to some of the songs and sang along with the parts I knew. When they were done we all continued our conversing and I was scolded by C and S about hogging all the Mulally attention, but Susan pointed out that Schuyler got a fair amount as well. Somehow B managed to weasel his way next to me and started talking to me and letting his gaze linger then touched my arm and I was like (internally of course) "Oh Brandon, I sooo don't think so. Never gonnna happen" but I wasn't mean to him or anything. I saw the guy from Kassie's party who looked like he was feeding Kay-See cauliflower but his hair is so long in the back now...he's definitely sporting a mad mullet. Soon the Harborrats went on and Sam thanked people who'd come out to the Friday show and gave Susan and me a shout out which made me squeal a little. They played a song I really liked, Blue Eye Shadow or something and Sam asked if anyone was wearing blue eye shadow then said the next song was called Tire Swing and asked if anyone was wearing a tire, and I thought that was so funny so I loudly guffawed, and I don't know if it was amplified being too close to the mic or what but I feel like I was the only one who laughed and Sam was like "Karrah?" so then I felt embarrassed, but at the same time thought it was hilarious. Their set was really good and I didn't need ear plugs at all and I loved the Backstreet Boys cover and sang along thinking about Kay-See and how excited she would be. I wasn't in love with the last song but every single one of the others I really liked and appreciate that they're all pretty unique sounding and that I feel like every time I see them I'm hearing different songs, which is not always what you get. So yeah, that was cool. After the show we all mingled some more but I needed to get home and to bed so I started saying goodbye to everyone and Susan and I made our way out and apparently B was behind us and was like "Um bye!" so I said bye back but Susan and I were on a mission to get across the street so it was a nonchalant bye and we said bye to each other then I yelled to the boys and walked quickly to my car. I was home later than I'd wanted but it was a fun night so I'm not going to complain.

Sunday 1/6, I woke up at 9 and was still so tired, mad, and just wanted to go back to sleep. But couldn't because I couldn't stop going over what I should have said. Like the fact that they know nothing about the female body and how they're giant tools who have probably never actually satisfied a woman sexually. But I didn't. And couldn't. So I laid in bed and stewed. I called Susan after reading a message from her on myspace that was hilarious asking how I got a gun and how many times I had shot R. I ranted about the last part of my evening then we moved on to more important subjects. After we hung up I called Sos back and ranted to her and she cautioned me to tread lightly and to not fuck up my and K's relationship because she personally knows how that can turn out. She had some very constructive things to say and we planned to hang out if I couldn't remember what my Tuesday night commitment was. I talked to Alix eventually and we made plans to meet at the mall for lunch and a movie. I got ready after using my vibrator purely out of spite (dear god I hope my father never reads this) and got on the road. We had some pizza then went over to our movie (Atonement). It was good but there were a few Cold Mountain rip offs...overall it was good though. Depressing, but good. I love Kiera Knightley's green dress; her back looked amazing. We walked back through the mall and parted. I grocery shopped on the way home then laid in bed and did some blogging before getting back up and heading out the door to family dinner. I arrived first and the rest trickled in. I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat much then we all sat and talked in the family room for a while. I think I'm going to go to Kauai in May and Auntie says it's fine and I can come whenever and stay as long I want. So that's in the works. I just need to make sure going to London in September will work for Jess. I left around 7:30 and talked to Susan when I got home as we watched EHM and she joked about getting "eye fucked by Chris Mulally" at the show the next night. I watched Desperate Housewives and searched Facebook for more contacts and finally figured out how to join the UPS network after some hoop jumping. I reviewed and forwarded an email from Joe regarding the weekend in Sunriver, which I'm still not sure I'm up for. I tried calling Eric after it was over but couldn't leave a message because his mailbox was full. I read a little then saw Ian was online and decided to call him. He said he was glad I called and we proceeded to "drop some knowledge" about new music we've both discovered since last week. It was really nice to talk to him and he clarified what the "word :)" comment meant. I told him about the prior night's events and he scoffed when I told him how argumentative they'd been about the vibes and he was like "I don't know any guy who isn't into that!" and I was like "THANK YOU!" then told him he set the bar too high and that I dread the dating pool if it's filled with this type of close-mindedness. But I don't feel so bad now, I just need to avoid the homophobic frat boy types. Shouldn't be too hard. Which reminds me about something Andy said about "sensativity training" and how all the bouncers wanted him in charge at the new lesbian night at CI because he's got "experience". Ha. So anyway, we talked for a while and he told me nothing has changed and that I should never hesitate to call him because he likes talking to me and encouraged me to continue...so, that was nice. Before we hung up he told me he missed me and quickly added that he hoped it was ok he to say that. I just sighed and told him it was and that I missed him too. After I hung up I tried Eric again and he picked up but asked if he could call me when he got home. I read until he did then we talked about our holidays and I told him how Chrystol and Schuyler had seen him then I ran my HI trip idea by him and he actually sounded half-enthusiastic and declared that if we were there at the same time we better hang out more than once. So that's kind of exciting. Even if Nicole comes it will be fun and I'm sure she's very nice so I'm not worried about any of the complicated stuff arising. If anything it will be fun to hang out with him in a different environment and possibly show him around since I'm half on the inside track. I'm sure Kalei will be totally fascinated about the situation. I can't wait to see him. We hung up and I went to bed though it took me a while to fall asleep because the wheels were turning.

Saturday 1/5, I slept until almost 10, which is when Courtney called me, and it felt great. I called Grandma and she was up, dressed and ready for the day and our lunch date. I called Courtney back and continued to lay in bed watching tv. I filled her in on everything with Ian and she expressed her sympathy but more exciting than that, she's planning a trip up here during her spring break. I'm so excited and Sos and I are going to have to plan some fun things for the three of us to do. After that I called Auntie Lauryn and she planned to call me when they were out the door. I got ready, talked to Susan for a long time then Auntie buzzed in multiple times so I hung up with Susan. They had to turn around twice so finally AL decided to come alone and arrived around 2. We went to Pogacha for lunch and I had the pear and gorgonzola ravioli and it was sooo good. Then we went over to Sweet Addition to pick up some cheesecake squares, then Petco, then Looks where I got a bunch of hilarious cards, then Hallmark so Auntie could get a little calendar. We went back to my house so she could check her email so we sat in the living room, listening to music, and playing on our computers. I played with Jacques a little too and brushed him. Kay-See called to say she couldn't do dinner and was all stressed out because her and Ryan had gotten in a fight about the evening because apparently he thought they were hanging out, but she clarified that we were still going dancing. AL left and I went to lay in bed because I was tired and ended up falling asleep around 6:30 and woke up at 8. I talked to K again who then informed me that Ryan and his friend would be joining us and I was like "Uuuuuugggghhhhhh" are you kidding? It was supposed to be a girls' night and here was Ryan, horning in to baby-sit. I called Susan in a rage and she said if I decided I didn't want to go I could go to her house. I decided to mull it over in the shower and ended up calling K back after my shower to confirm we were still going to Belltown Billiards because if we weren't I was going to just stay home. We were so we decided to meet at Cyclops and I finished getting ready and drove into Seattle. I parked a block up and called K who met me outside. I met Kyle, R's friend, and we sat at the bar for a little bit before heading over to BB. (Note: Kyle, R’s friend, was dreading going and is an out of towner so why wouldn't Ryan take him out and have a guys' night?) We stood in line for a few minutes then I got my chance to flirt with the cute bouncer, telling him he looked warm and he confirmed. Heh. Let the games begin! We went in and waited for the boys to get situated then hit the dance floor. There weren't very many cute guys, except one playing pool who looked like Zeph a little but a little scruffier and I made eye contact with him a few times but that was it. On the dance floor K kept trying to push me into these guys who were semi-cute and I scolded her. Then there were these girls gettin DOWN and K was like "Wow, they're like professionals" and as I started to give her a skeptical "No they're not" look, she specified "You know, like, strippers" and I almost fell over from laughing so hard. Some guy kept trying to talk to me after some bitch pushed me and almost knocked me over and he was like "No more drinks for you" and I screeched "That bitch pushed me! I don't even drink!" As we were migrating on the floor some girl elbowed K and not even discreetly, so we were like "Ok short stack, watch it" then some big ghetto lookin girls pushed their way over and we were waiting for the midget to push one of them and K leaned in with the most excited look on her face waiting for something to go down. It was so funny. We went back and forth from sitting by the boys as they played pool and dancing and at one point Kyle apologized for being a dick about being there and told me that he was only there for "them" (K and R) and I was like "Well I was under the impression this was supposed to be a girls' night" and he was like "Yeah, well, same here" so now I'm even more perplexed why the hell Ryan insisted on coming along; clearly they weren't enjoying themselves that much, and it's not like R was dancing with K, so why was it so necessary that he be there? Whatever. Then Kyle started in on me on why I don't drink and kept saying it must be religious and that I must be Mormon after repeated attempts telling him I'm agnostic he was like "Uggg, lighten up, have a beer, Jesus!" I was like "Um, fuck you" but instead I just left to do a lap. Eventually K and I made it back out there and some guy went by us but stopped short when he realized how tall I am and put his arm around my waist and was like, "We look good together" but then called me a liar and cheater because I was wearing heels. It was funny and he kept a tight hold on me and introduced himself, Nick. We talked for a little while then he left, but I saw him later with a girl and I was like "Tsk tsk, Nick" but would have made out with him probably if the situation presented itself. K and I ran out to get her a hot dog because she wasn't feeling good and as we're standing in line K was like "I want a BIG one!" and the guy in front of her looked all flustered and we cackled away. Then I was like "I've had a big one, and it kind of hurts, I think I need a not so big one!" and continued to laugh. The guys behind us tried to talk to us but we got the dog before too much was exchanged. We went back in and Ryan was trying to get me to play a game of doubles, but we all know how I feel about games, especially pool, and was asking over and over again and I kept saying no. I told K that obviously he didn't understand that the more he asked the more I enjoyed saying no. Then he said to K "Talk to her" and turned and walked away, like it was the end of the world that Ryan wasn't getting his way. Haha, I will not bend to your wishes, especially when I don’t play games. For anyone. Unless it’s Apples to Apples or a murder mystery one. Or T or D. We waited for the guys to finish their game then left. I told K I would drive them back since they'd taken a cab there so we all walked and talked and it was fine until we got into the car. The topic of porn and vibrators came up and R starts blabbing about K and this is in front of one of his friends about personal stuff and I'm just sitting there in shock until both of the boys start in on how "weird" it is if a girl uses a vibrator, and I was like "rrrrRRRRrrrrr, what?!" Ryan was being so argumentative and talking over K and me and was totally missing the point. Then Kyle starts in about how EVERY guy thinks it's weird if a girl uses a vibrator and I was like "Um, no, I've dated several guys who don't care at all" and he states dismissively "You're not a guy, you don't know" at which point I almost drove up onto the sidewalk to kick them out. I was so mad I started yelling. So then Kyle presents a scenario "Well, what would you do if a guy you were dating used a fake vagina?" and K was like "Well isn't your hand kind of like that?" and I was yelling "Who cares?! I wouldn't care, what skin is it off my ass?! I DON'T CARE!" and he's like "No, you would care, I don't care what you say" and I start yelling "Great! You tell ME how I feel!" thinking I don't have an opinion or something and that I can't possibly know what I'm talking about when it comes to getting off. I just started yelling "YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT! You know ME!" then we pulled up and I was like "BYE!" like get the fuck out of my car. Then dumb ass Kyle was like "You should park and come up so we can keep talking about this" and I was like "I don't think so" then he asked again and I was like, super sarcastically "Ok sure, I'll be right up!" and he's like "You're not coming up are you?" and I was like "Nope, shut my door" and sped off. I was so fucking mad. I started bawling on the way home thinking, is this what I have to look forward to? This is why I don't date frat guys. And why I'm not about to start. Maybe all women should just pretend it's still the 50's and be happy with being sexually repressed! Yay! I started thinking about Ian and how he would NEVER say shit like that, especially in front of his friends and especially about personal stuff about me. Actually, none of the guys I've dated would say any of that. And if they did that would be the first and last time because I would kick their ass to the curb or put them in their place right there. So yeah, I cried all the way home I was so mad. Once again Ryan managed to ruin my night. When I got home I couldn't go to sleep for a long time because I was seething and saying in my head all things I wished I could have said to them.

Friday 1/4, Ian responded to the message I’d sent him the day prior, and though it didn’t make me feel that much better it was at least packed with happy faces. I climbed into bed when I got home and cranked the heat because I was cold and ended up watching tv and talking to Susan about our plans. I went on Facebook and found a ton of people from college and sent out friend requests and Joe P**m had written to me asking if I wanted to go down to Sunriver next weekend with a bunch of UPS people so I called Kay-See to see if that was something she would be interested in and wrote Joe back. We’re not sure, but I’m sure it would be totally fun. We’ll see. So yeah, I found a bunch of people and Nic and Ben so hopefully my friend count will skyrocket. I eventually talked to Alix and we decided to shelve plans and get together on Sunday instead so I started getting ready. I called Sos after my shower and was leaving her a message about my current emotional status and she picked up and asked me if I was ok and that opened the floodgate. She said all sorts of nice things to make me feel better and she said she would call the next day. I finished getting ready, called Susan to tell her I was leaving, called Chrystol and left a message and hit the road. I called Auntie Lauryn on the way to see if her and Grandma wanted to get lunch the next day. I found Jules Maes without incident, well except for almost running up onto the sidewalk making a sharp left, parked and went in. I walked by Chrystol but noticed Schuyler’s friend Eric and Sam sitting at a table. I walked to the back to see if she was back there but she wasn’t so I went back up and realized she was sitting at the same table as those boys and a bunch of other people. I sat down next to C and she gave me a hug then Sam popped his head out from behind some people and gave a very enthusiastic “Hi Karrah!” so I returned the greeting and asked how he was. I talked to Jason a bit and met his wife then we talked about the leather pants and how J’s is generally afraid. Then C and I started gabbing and I got some dirt on Brandon and how apparently when he had called that he probably had getting back together on the brain. Oh boy, did Susan call it or what? Then I told her about Ian and she asked what’d happened then slowly turned her gaze to Eric and said he’s very nice and doesn’t drink and drives a Range Rover…so I was like “Oh, REAlly?” then it looked like she was going to say something to him and I was like “Wait, no, I’m not ready!” but it turns out she wasn’t and I was overreacting. We talked with Schuyler’s parents then Susan and J showed up and introductions were made and Sam was really funny all excited about being one of the gang. We chatted and eventually it was time for the Harborrats to go on so we migrated to the back with Chrystol telling me how much Eric likes to shop and that he’s got lots of shoes. We got a nice spot but the minute some of the instruments were played I was like, “Hmm, maybe on second thought I do need those ear plugs” so C went and scored some for me. It was an ok show, not their best, but definitely wouldn’t deter me from going to another one (ie, Monday’s with Mulally). PLUS, I finally figured out how to use the video on my camera! I can’t believe it took so damn long. Susan and J took off not long after I got the camera out as I was going to attempt to sneakily get a picture. Oh well. It was loud and they were hungry so I couldn’t blame them for leaving. Eric and Jason’s wife came and took their place and Eric started cheering really loudly then pretended to like punch Chrystol in the side and was pushing her around. After the show was over we mingled then moved back up to the front and people slowly filed out and eventually it was C, Schuyler, Eric and me all chatting. It was fun and Eric is soo funny, I was like “Uh oh” this could turn into a little crush. He’s funny and cute and dresses well and Chrystol vouches for him, so there’s nothing wrong with that. It was maybe 1:30 when we all called it a night so I gave C a hug and told S and E bye and went on my merry way. When I got home I went online for a little bit then turned in.

Thursday 1/3, I cried once at work when Ian left a comment that said "word :)" because I instantly thought it was his way of finalizing our relationship, since that's what he'd always say before telling me he had to go. I wrote him a little message but didn't hear back. I then thought maybe it could be referring to Kay-See's comment below his but when I talked to her later that night she suggested that he was saying it in reference to me needing a hug. Anyway, I got off work early and went home and climbed into bed. I was cold and it's so comfy so I allowed myself a little laziness. I had vowed not to call Eric to fill him on my single status, but sure as shit I got a message from him on myspace inquiring about my emotional state but I decided I'll wait a few days to respond, and even then I'll be cryptic. I put on SatC and watched a ton of that, then talked to Susan and hammered out plans there, ate some dinner and eventually emerged from my bed to get ready to go out. I put on Jenny Lewis so I could cry in the shower and did a little bit during the song that reminds me of him but then I pulled it together and got ready. I talked to Dad who instantly asked me what was wrong despite my specific attempt at sounding upbeat. How did he see through that? I didn't tell him about Ian and instead we discussed Kassie and my plans for the next few days. I headed out a bit before 10, called Susan to tell her where I was then called K who sounded very down but liked my idea about dinner on Saturday. Susan hopped in my car at our meeting place and down we went to Cowgirls Inc. We saw Andy as we drove by and Susan's like "Can't we just wave from here and keep going?" ha, no Susan! I need an Andy hug! We got a close parking spot and walked around and Andy seemed surprised to see us, mumbling something under his breath, and after having my id scanned I was enveloped in those wonderful arms. We went in and it was EMPTY. Susan suggested we hit the bathroom so that's what we did. She was like "Let's stay in here for 10 minutes" but we didn't and went back out toward the bull. The guy was just sitting on it then came over and asked Susan if she wanted to go, she told him no but that I would. Ha, no thanks. I told him he could do it and that I could work the controls and he's like "I don't think so" even after I said Andy could vouch for me. Finally Andy came in, as we're standing on the side of the dance floor looking around nervously and awkwardly, and straight for us to and talked to us for a long time. He said he wants to take a vacation to the Caribbean because he hasn't taken a vacay since 02, and I was like "When you went to the Philippines, right?" and he was like "Yeah!" so hopefully I impressed him with my fact remembering abilities. We talked about Neighbours and more gossip there and we told him about the creepy ex-bouncer and how he was like "You can pretend to be my wife" and I was like "No thanks!" and Andy's like "OR, I can pretend to be your EX-wife and you can pay me alimony" and I was like "Yeah! And NOT talk to me!" it was very cute. He's been working out and said in a few months he'll have his "beach body" ready. Oh Andy. I still get the stomach flip when I talk to him. He's such a sweetheart. He suggested I ride the bull and I was like "You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming" and he's like "That can be arranged. I'll just get 3 or 4 of the guys and tell them to hoist you up there…it’s a slow night after all" auuuugh! That didn't happen. Susan asked him about her lip ring bf and apparently he's moved bars but Andy told us where to find him. Heh heh. After he walked away we joked about how he'd asked her about what he looked like. "He's cute" "Does he look like me" "Um, sure!" haha. It was also funny that Susan wanted to get out of there so badly that Andy picked up on it and was like "Every time I look over at Susan she's like" and motioned with his head and eyes toward the door. We stood around for a while longer watching in horror as one of the girls simulated a blow job in this guys mouth with like a vial or something. And Susan mock-gagged like that's what the guy was doing and said "I didn't know guys liked having someone simulate having them give a blow job" it was very bizarre but Andy even confirmed that the girl is crazy, and not in the good way. We stayed until about 10:40 and Susan was going to give me the code "Swarm, swarm!" when the coast was clear to go talk to him. We started saying bye when this girl barged in and I was like, Hmm, ok, and wondered to Susan whether or not we should wait or just go, but we waited and finally got to have a proper goodbye and told him to come up to Neighbours soon and that we're always there on Thursdays. Then he offered to let Susan run security so that he could go up, and I think she'd do a great job. We got hugs then took off as a JT hit came on. We drove up to Neighbs, parked, walked over and were greeted by Eric checking ids. Susan asked about the awful drag show and he said it would probably be going down but that he'd tried to take one of them down but one bullet wasn't enough. He emphasized that he'd tried. We went upstairs right away to see who was there then went and checked our coats and hit the dance floor. It was like a tranny convention, they were everywhere. There weren't very many regulars. Kicky Beret showed up toward the end with a giant Russian fur hat on and stared at us drunkenly for a long time. We got sweaty hugs from a velvet pants clad Tye. Some guy Susan called Freddy Krueger (striped sweater) kept bumping into her then dropped his drink. Amateur! The songs were pretty good and we kept our heart rates up for quite a while before a terrible drag show started. We left the floor immediately and went and stood under the black light and strategized how I could ask Eric if he'd gotten a New Year's kiss. I saw him peek in a few times from the front but there was a severe lack of him making the rounds inside the club. When the dumb drag show was over we went back out because Von Trapp played a good song. He continued to dance and finally Eric was in and right in my field of vision as Hungry Like the Wolf played and I pointed at him during the "I'm on the hunt / I'm after you" but luckily he didn't see. Otherwise I would have been mortified. During a bad song we went and stood on the side hoping he would come over, but he didn't; instead Darren did and chatted with us before Blue Monday came on so we all went out and danced a few more. I got a head start off the floor to try and seek out Eric but Susan slapped my ass and scared me as I waited at the coat check. That guy is so slow, I've never seen anything like it. We put our coats on then headed out and Eric asked if we were leaving and I answered yes but then thought I'd misheard him so I confirmed the question he'd asked. We started chatting about New Year's, his EMT job, Wade's, then the 40 ft sailboat he's fixin to buy. I was like, "Well let me give you my number so I can clear my calendar for this summer" or something and I hope he doesn't think I'm retarded. Finally we said bye and walked out into the alley and I told Susan I'd had to refrain from declaring "I'm Karrah, I'm hilarious!" We walked to our cars discussing the details of Friday night's plans then took off. I checked myspace when I got home as I've become increasingly suspicious about Ian's friend Sasha and that they're more than friends, as, being the day after he broke up with me, she had changed her profile picture to one of the two of them. I don't know if my suspicions will ever be proved foundationless. Ian said there was nothing there but just because he wasn't physically involved with her doesn't mean there hasn't been something emotional brewing. It breaks my heart and makes me feel like shit. Blah. I went to bed around 1:45.

Wednesday 1/2, Peggy let me off work early so I headed home to find my Jenny Lewis cd in the mail so I popped it in, started putting laundry away then started singing along with “Rise Up with Fists!” when my phone rang and it was Ian. I was so excited. I told him I was listening to one of the songs that makes me think about him but when I asked how he was doing he said he was feeling down and that he didn’t think about what he was going to say before he called then said he didn’t want to do this anymore. I wasn’t surprised and I didn’t upset right away but as we talked more I started crying. He asked me not to hate him and that would never be possible but it’s just insanely sad that we can’t be together forever, or at least for a while. I don’t really want to write anymore about it, so just suffice to say it was heartbreaking and so hard to say goodbye. I got into bed and started crying. And crying. And crying. I went through my texts from him and deleted most of them and cried at those too because they were little cute jokes and sweet things he said and I felt like they were just going to mock me. Then I went online and deleted a bunch of pictures, both with Ian and others because I needed to simplify and not have so many pictures of him and me that would depress me every time I look at my profile. I cried some more and just laid on my bed listening to Jenny Lewis. I told Susan via a myspace message and continued to lay there. Eventually I called her at a quarter after eight and she listened and was a good friend then needed to go but said she would call me later. I watched some tv and went back and read some old blog entries about Ian and me, from when we met and when he first came up here then Gossip Girl started and I was so insanely happy, especially to have a distraction. About 20 minutes in Kay-See called and I thought she’d looked at my profile but it turns out she was coming back from North Bend and wanted to hear stories and when I gave a pathetic little sigh she asked what was wrong, I told her and started bawling. She was like “Oh my God, I’ll be there in 5 minutes” so I pulled myself together and when I came down the stairs to answer the door I saw her peering in the window with a big goofy smile on her face. We sat in the living room and I told her all about the conversation we’d had the night before and how I thought things were ok, or at least that they would be for a little while longer, and about the conversation we’d had earlier and about Brandon and all that and about some possible trips coming up. I made her go upstairs to see my new bed and she loved it and we just laid there for a bit talking and enjoying the softness. It was 10:30 so she decided to go home and I called Susan and gave her an update on how I was feeling but needed to jump off to get in the shower and into bed. So I did that then got a text and it was from K and she said boys suck then she called me and we talked about how things were with R and issues there so I gave her my opinion and we hung up a while later. I went to bed without crying but it did take me a while.

Tuesday 1/1, I woke up at 9:30 and fed J then climbed back into bed for some SatC and eventually got some cereal. I stayed in bed alllll morning watching my show, playing on the computer and enjoying the warmth and comfortableness of my wonderful bed. I ignored a few random squeaks and hoped those missing washers weren't going to fuck anything up. I finally emerged, dressed and went to the mall. I exchanged something at Macy's then went to Nordstrom to exchange the mascara for brown then to Sephora for Jack Black lip stuff since every Nordstrom seems to be out of it. I went to Macy's and tried to find something to buy and eventually got a little tank top but felt disappointed in the lack of cute / appealing stuff. I was tired so I went home and watched Holiday and felt a little sad about Ian. I decided to move some furniture in my room around and felt good about that then played with Jacques for a little bit and laughed at him jumping in the air for his green feathery toy. So there I am, sitting on my bed watching "The Biggest Loser" when my phone rings. What does it say? Brandon. What. The. Fuck. Really? Seriously? So I answer and we both only got a sentence or two out before my phone hung up on him. He called back and I apologized then he was like "10 seconds, that's gotta be a record". We ended up talking for over an hour and it was actually really nice. We had a lot to talk about and I broke it down for him multiple times but I don't think it made him feel that bad because I told him it was ok. Crazy. Blast from the past. So we hung up then I called Susan who was in the middle of date night then called Ian and had a really good conversation with him. We talked about work and Brandon and Andrea and her breaking up with her rebound and how I still felt like he might be seeing someone or interested in someone but he didn't want me to feel that way and said he would break up with me well before that ever happened and he didn't want me to worry about it ever. So that made me feel better. I told him about my bed and New Year's then we discussed how we're doing and I actually felt reassured. We hung up and I went to bed not too much later.