Friday 1/4, Ian responded to the message I’d sent him the day prior, and though it didn’t make me feel that much better it was at least packed with happy faces. I climbed into bed when I got home and cranked the heat because I was cold and ended up watching tv and talking to Susan about our plans. I went on Facebook and found a ton of people from college and sent out friend requests and Joe P**m had written to me asking if I wanted to go down to Sunriver next weekend with a bunch of UPS people so I called Kay-See to see if that was something she would be interested in and wrote Joe back. We’re not sure, but I’m sure it would be totally fun. We’ll see. So yeah, I found a bunch of people and Nic and Ben so hopefully my friend count will skyrocket. I eventually talked to Alix and we decided to shelve plans and get together on Sunday instead so I started getting ready. I called Sos after my shower and was leaving her a message about my current emotional status and she picked up and asked me if I was ok and that opened the floodgate. She said all sorts of nice things to make me feel better and she said she would call the next day. I finished getting ready, called Susan to tell her I was leaving, called Chrystol and left a message and hit the road. I called Auntie Lauryn on the way to see if her and Grandma wanted to get lunch the next day. I found Jules Maes without incident, well except for almost running up onto the sidewalk making a sharp left, parked and went in. I walked by Chrystol but noticed Schuyler’s friend Eric and Sam sitting at a table. I walked to the back to see if she was back there but she wasn’t so I went back up and realized she was sitting at the same table as those boys and a bunch of other people. I sat down next to C and she gave me a hug then Sam popped his head out from behind some people and gave a very enthusiastic “Hi Karrah!” so I returned the greeting and asked how he was. I talked to Jason a bit and met his wife then we talked about the leather pants and how J’s is generally afraid. Then C and I started gabbing and I got some dirt on Brandon and how apparently when he had called that he probably had getting back together on the brain. Oh boy, did Susan call it or what? Then I told her about Ian and she asked what’d happened then slowly turned her gaze to Eric and said he’s very nice and doesn’t drink and drives a Range Rover…so I was like “Oh, REAlly?” then it looked like she was going to say something to him and I was like “Wait, no, I’m not ready!” but it turns out she wasn’t and I was overreacting. We talked with Schuyler’s parents then Susan and J showed up and introductions were made and Sam was really funny all excited about being one of the gang. We chatted and eventually it was time for the Harborrats to go on so we migrated to the back with Chrystol telling me how much Eric likes to shop and that he’s got lots of shoes. We got a nice spot but the minute some of the instruments were played I was like, “Hmm, maybe on second thought I do need those ear plugs” so C went and scored some for me. It was an ok show, not their best, but definitely wouldn’t deter me from going to another one (ie, Monday’s with Mulally). PLUS, I finally figured out how to use the video on my camera! I can’t believe it took so damn long. Susan and J took off not long after I got the camera out as I was going to attempt to sneakily get a picture. Oh well. It was loud and they were hungry so I couldn’t blame them for leaving. Eric and Jason’s wife came and took their place and Eric started cheering really loudly then pretended to like punch Chrystol in the side and was pushing her around. After the show was over we mingled then moved back up to the front and people slowly filed out and eventually it was C, Schuyler, Eric and me all chatting. It was fun and Eric is soo funny, I was like “Uh oh” this could turn into a little crush. He’s funny and cute and dresses well and Chrystol vouches for him, so there’s nothing wrong with that. It was maybe 1:30 when we all called it a night so I gave C a hug and told S and E bye and went on my merry way. When I got home I went online for a little bit then turned in.
Thursday 1/3, I cried once at work when Ian left a comment that said "word :)" because I instantly thought it was his way of finalizing our relationship, since that's what he'd always say before telling me he had to go. I wrote him a little message but didn't hear back. I then thought maybe it could be referring to Kay-See's comment below his but when I talked to her later that night she suggested that he was saying it in reference to me needing a hug. Anyway, I got off work early and went home and climbed into bed. I was cold and it's so comfy so I allowed myself a little laziness. I had vowed not to call Eric to fill him on my single status, but sure as shit I got a message from him on myspace inquiring about my emotional state but I decided I'll wait a few days to respond, and even then I'll be cryptic. I put on SatC and watched a ton of that, then talked to Susan and hammered out plans there, ate some dinner and eventually emerged from my bed to get ready to go out. I put on Jenny Lewis so I could cry in the shower and did a little bit during the song that reminds me of him but then I pulled it together and got ready. I talked to Dad who instantly asked me what was wrong despite my specific attempt at sounding upbeat. How did he see through that? I didn't tell him about Ian and instead we discussed Kassie and my plans for the next few days. I headed out a bit before 10, called Susan to tell her where I was then called K who sounded very down but liked my idea about dinner on Saturday. Susan hopped in my car at our meeting place and down we went to Cowgirls Inc. We saw Andy as we drove by and Susan's like "Can't we just wave from here and keep going?" ha, no Susan! I need an Andy hug! We got a close parking spot and walked around and Andy seemed surprised to see us, mumbling something under his breath, and after having my id scanned I was enveloped in those wonderful arms. We went in and it was EMPTY. Susan suggested we hit the bathroom so that's what we did. She was like "Let's stay in here for 10 minutes" but we didn't and went back out toward the bull. The guy was just sitting on it then came over and asked Susan if she wanted to go, she told him no but that I would. Ha, no thanks. I told him he could do it and that I could work the controls and he's like "I don't think so" even after I said Andy could vouch for me. Finally Andy came in, as we're standing on the side of the dance floor looking around nervously and awkwardly, and straight for us to and talked to us for a long time. He said he wants to take a vacation to the Caribbean because he hasn't taken a vacay since 02, and I was like "When you went to the Philippines, right?" and he was like "Yeah!" so hopefully I impressed him with my fact remembering abilities. We talked about Neighbours and more gossip there and we told him about the creepy ex-bouncer and how he was like "You can pretend to be my wife" and I was like "No thanks!" and Andy's like "OR, I can pretend to be your EX-wife and you can pay me alimony" and I was like "Yeah! And NOT talk to me!" it was very cute. He's been working out and said in a few months he'll have his "beach body" ready. Oh Andy. I still get the stomach flip when I talk to him. He's such a sweetheart. He suggested I ride the bull and I was like "You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming" and he's like "That can be arranged. I'll just get 3 or 4 of the guys and tell them to hoist you up there…it’s a slow night after all" auuuugh! That didn't happen. Susan asked him about her lip ring bf and apparently he's moved bars but Andy told us where to find him. Heh heh. After he walked away we joked about how he'd asked her about what he looked like. "He's cute" "Does he look like me" "Um, sure!" haha. It was also funny that Susan wanted to get out of there so badly that Andy picked up on it and was like "Every time I look over at Susan she's like" and motioned with his head and eyes toward the door. We stood around for a while longer watching in horror as one of the girls simulated a blow job in this guys mouth with like a vial or something. And Susan mock-gagged like that's what the guy was doing and said "I didn't know guys liked having someone simulate having them give a blow job" it was very bizarre but Andy even confirmed that the girl is crazy, and not in the good way. We stayed until about 10:40 and Susan was going to give me the code "Swarm, swarm!" when the coast was clear to go talk to him. We started saying bye when this girl barged in and I was like, Hmm, ok, and wondered to Susan whether or not we should wait or just go, but we waited and finally got to have a proper goodbye and told him to come up to Neighbours soon and that we're always there on Thursdays. Then he offered to let Susan run security so that he could go up, and I think she'd do a great job. We got hugs then took off as a JT hit came on. We drove up to Neighbs, parked, walked over and were greeted by Eric checking ids. Susan asked about the awful drag show and he said it would probably be going down but that he'd tried to take one of them down but one bullet wasn't enough. He emphasized that he'd tried. We went upstairs right away to see who was there then went and checked our coats and hit the dance floor. It was like a tranny convention, they were everywhere. There weren't very many regulars. Kicky Beret showed up toward the end with a giant Russian fur hat on and stared at us drunkenly for a long time. We got sweaty hugs from a velvet pants clad Tye. Some guy Susan called Freddy Krueger (striped sweater) kept bumping into her then dropped his drink. Amateur! The songs were pretty good and we kept our heart rates up for quite a while before a terrible drag show started. We left the floor immediately and went and stood under the black light and strategized how I could ask Eric if he'd gotten a New Year's kiss. I saw him peek in a few times from the front but there was a severe lack of him making the rounds inside the club. When the dumb drag show was over we went back out because Von Trapp played a good song. He continued to dance and finally Eric was in and right in my field of vision as Hungry Like the Wolf played and I pointed at him during the "I'm on the hunt / I'm after you" but luckily he didn't see. Otherwise I would have been mortified. During a bad song we went and stood on the side hoping he would come over, but he didn't; instead Darren did and chatted with us before Blue Monday came on so we all went out and danced a few more. I got a head start off the floor to try and seek out Eric but Susan slapped my ass and scared me as I waited at the coat check. That guy is so slow, I've never seen anything like it. We put our coats on then headed out and Eric asked if we were leaving and I answered yes but then thought I'd misheard him so I confirmed the question he'd asked. We started chatting about New Year's, his EMT job, Wade's, then the 40 ft sailboat he's fixin to buy. I was like, "Well let me give you my number so I can clear my calendar for this summer" or something and I hope he doesn't think I'm retarded. Finally we said bye and walked out into the alley and I told Susan I'd had to refrain from declaring "I'm Karrah, I'm hilarious!" We walked to our cars discussing the details of Friday night's plans then took off. I checked myspace when I got home as I've become increasingly suspicious about Ian's friend Sasha and that they're more than friends, as, being the day after he broke up with me, she had changed her profile picture to one of the two of them. I don't know if my suspicions will ever be proved foundationless. Ian said there was nothing there but just because he wasn't physically involved with her doesn't mean there hasn't been something emotional brewing. It breaks my heart and makes me feel like shit. Blah. I went to bed around 1:45.
Wednesday 1/2, Peggy let me off work early so I headed home to find my Jenny Lewis cd in the mail so I popped it in, started putting laundry away then started singing along with “Rise Up with Fists!” when my phone rang and it was Ian. I was so excited. I told him I was listening to one of the songs that makes me think about him but when I asked how he was doing he said he was feeling down and that he didn’t think about what he was going to say before he called then said he didn’t want to do this anymore. I wasn’t surprised and I didn’t upset right away but as we talked more I started crying. He asked me not to hate him and that would never be possible but it’s just insanely sad that we can’t be together forever, or at least for a while. I don’t really want to write anymore about it, so just suffice to say it was heartbreaking and so hard to say goodbye. I got into bed and started crying. And crying. And crying. I went through my texts from him and deleted most of them and cried at those too because they were little cute jokes and sweet things he said and I felt like they were just going to mock me. Then I went online and deleted a bunch of pictures, both with Ian and others because I needed to simplify and not have so many pictures of him and me that would depress me every time I look at my profile. I cried some more and just laid on my bed listening to Jenny Lewis. I told Susan via a myspace message and continued to lay there. Eventually I called her at a quarter after eight and she listened and was a good friend then needed to go but said she would call me later. I watched some tv and went back and read some old blog entries about Ian and me, from when we met and when he first came up here then Gossip Girl started and I was so insanely happy, especially to have a distraction. About 20 minutes in Kay-See called and I thought she’d looked at my profile but it turns out she was coming back from North Bend and wanted to hear stories and when I gave a pathetic little sigh she asked what was wrong, I told her and started bawling. She was like “Oh my God, I’ll be there in 5 minutes” so I pulled myself together and when I came down the stairs to answer the door I saw her peering in the window with a big goofy smile on her face. We sat in the living room and I told her all about the conversation we’d had the night before and how I thought things were ok, or at least that they would be for a little while longer, and about the conversation we’d had earlier and about Brandon and all that and about some possible trips coming up. I made her go upstairs to see my new bed and she loved it and we just laid there for a bit talking and enjoying the softness. It was 10:30 so she decided to go home and I called Susan and gave her an update on how I was feeling but needed to jump off to get in the shower and into bed. So I did that then got a text and it was from K and she said boys suck then she called me and we talked about how things were with R and issues there so I gave her my opinion and we hung up a while later. I went to bed without crying but it did take me a while.
Tuesday 1/1, I woke up at 9:30 and fed J then climbed back into bed for some SatC and eventually got some cereal. I stayed in bed alllll morning watching my show, playing on the computer and enjoying the warmth and comfortableness of my wonderful bed. I ignored a few random squeaks and hoped those missing washers weren't going to fuck anything up. I finally emerged, dressed and went to the mall. I exchanged something at Macy's then went to Nordstrom to exchange the mascara for brown then to Sephora for Jack Black lip stuff since every Nordstrom seems to be out of it. I went to Macy's and tried to find something to buy and eventually got a little tank top but felt disappointed in the lack of cute / appealing stuff. I was tired so I went home and watched Holiday and felt a little sad about Ian. I decided to move some furniture in my room around and felt good about that then played with Jacques for a little bit and laughed at him jumping in the air for his green feathery toy. So there I am, sitting on my bed watching "The Biggest Loser" when my phone rings. What does it say? Brandon. What. The. Fuck. Really? Seriously? So I answer and we both only got a sentence or two out before my phone hung up on him. He called back and I apologized then he was like "10 seconds, that's gotta be a record". We ended up talking for over an hour and it was actually really nice. We had a lot to talk about and I broke it down for him multiple times but I don't think it made him feel that bad because I told him it was ok. Crazy. Blast from the past. So we hung up then I called Susan who was in the middle of date night then called Ian and had a really good conversation with him. We talked about work and Brandon and Andrea and her breaking up with her rebound and how I still felt like he might be seeing someone or interested in someone but he didn't want me to feel that way and said he would break up with me well before that ever happened and he didn't want me to worry about it ever. So that made me feel better. I told him about my bed and New Year's then we discussed how we're doing and I actually felt reassured. We hung up and I went to bed not too much later.
Thursday 1/3, I cried once at work when Ian left a comment that said "word :)" because I instantly thought it was his way of finalizing our relationship, since that's what he'd always say before telling me he had to go. I wrote him a little message but didn't hear back. I then thought maybe it could be referring to Kay-See's comment below his but when I talked to her later that night she suggested that he was saying it in reference to me needing a hug. Anyway, I got off work early and went home and climbed into bed. I was cold and it's so comfy so I allowed myself a little laziness. I had vowed not to call Eric to fill him on my single status, but sure as shit I got a message from him on myspace inquiring about my emotional state but I decided I'll wait a few days to respond, and even then I'll be cryptic. I put on SatC and watched a ton of that, then talked to Susan and hammered out plans there, ate some dinner and eventually emerged from my bed to get ready to go out. I put on Jenny Lewis so I could cry in the shower and did a little bit during the song that reminds me of him but then I pulled it together and got ready. I talked to Dad who instantly asked me what was wrong despite my specific attempt at sounding upbeat. How did he see through that? I didn't tell him about Ian and instead we discussed Kassie and my plans for the next few days. I headed out a bit before 10, called Susan to tell her where I was then called K who sounded very down but liked my idea about dinner on Saturday. Susan hopped in my car at our meeting place and down we went to Cowgirls Inc. We saw Andy as we drove by and Susan's like "Can't we just wave from here and keep going?" ha, no Susan! I need an Andy hug! We got a close parking spot and walked around and Andy seemed surprised to see us, mumbling something under his breath, and after having my id scanned I was enveloped in those wonderful arms. We went in and it was EMPTY. Susan suggested we hit the bathroom so that's what we did. She was like "Let's stay in here for 10 minutes" but we didn't and went back out toward the bull. The guy was just sitting on it then came over and asked Susan if she wanted to go, she told him no but that I would. Ha, no thanks. I told him he could do it and that I could work the controls and he's like "I don't think so" even after I said Andy could vouch for me. Finally Andy came in, as we're standing on the side of the dance floor looking around nervously and awkwardly, and straight for us to and talked to us for a long time. He said he wants to take a vacation to the Caribbean because he hasn't taken a vacay since 02, and I was like "When you went to the Philippines, right?" and he was like "Yeah!" so hopefully I impressed him with my fact remembering abilities. We talked about Neighbours and more gossip there and we told him about the creepy ex-bouncer and how he was like "You can pretend to be my wife" and I was like "No thanks!" and Andy's like "OR, I can pretend to be your EX-wife and you can pay me alimony" and I was like "Yeah! And NOT talk to me!" it was very cute. He's been working out and said in a few months he'll have his "beach body" ready. Oh Andy. I still get the stomach flip when I talk to him. He's such a sweetheart. He suggested I ride the bull and I was like "You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming" and he's like "That can be arranged. I'll just get 3 or 4 of the guys and tell them to hoist you up there…it’s a slow night after all" auuuugh! That didn't happen. Susan asked him about her lip ring bf and apparently he's moved bars but Andy told us where to find him. Heh heh. After he walked away we joked about how he'd asked her about what he looked like. "He's cute" "Does he look like me" "Um, sure!" haha. It was also funny that Susan wanted to get out of there so badly that Andy picked up on it and was like "Every time I look over at Susan she's like" and motioned with his head and eyes toward the door. We stood around for a while longer watching in horror as one of the girls simulated a blow job in this guys mouth with like a vial or something. And Susan mock-gagged like that's what the guy was doing and said "I didn't know guys liked having someone simulate having them give a blow job" it was very bizarre but Andy even confirmed that the girl is crazy, and not in the good way. We stayed until about 10:40 and Susan was going to give me the code "Swarm, swarm!" when the coast was clear to go talk to him. We started saying bye when this girl barged in and I was like, Hmm, ok, and wondered to Susan whether or not we should wait or just go, but we waited and finally got to have a proper goodbye and told him to come up to Neighbours soon and that we're always there on Thursdays. Then he offered to let Susan run security so that he could go up, and I think she'd do a great job. We got hugs then took off as a JT hit came on. We drove up to Neighbs, parked, walked over and were greeted by Eric checking ids. Susan asked about the awful drag show and he said it would probably be going down but that he'd tried to take one of them down but one bullet wasn't enough. He emphasized that he'd tried. We went upstairs right away to see who was there then went and checked our coats and hit the dance floor. It was like a tranny convention, they were everywhere. There weren't very many regulars. Kicky Beret showed up toward the end with a giant Russian fur hat on and stared at us drunkenly for a long time. We got sweaty hugs from a velvet pants clad Tye. Some guy Susan called Freddy Krueger (striped sweater) kept bumping into her then dropped his drink. Amateur! The songs were pretty good and we kept our heart rates up for quite a while before a terrible drag show started. We left the floor immediately and went and stood under the black light and strategized how I could ask Eric if he'd gotten a New Year's kiss. I saw him peek in a few times from the front but there was a severe lack of him making the rounds inside the club. When the dumb drag show was over we went back out because Von Trapp played a good song. He continued to dance and finally Eric was in and right in my field of vision as Hungry Like the Wolf played and I pointed at him during the "I'm on the hunt / I'm after you" but luckily he didn't see. Otherwise I would have been mortified. During a bad song we went and stood on the side hoping he would come over, but he didn't; instead Darren did and chatted with us before Blue Monday came on so we all went out and danced a few more. I got a head start off the floor to try and seek out Eric but Susan slapped my ass and scared me as I waited at the coat check. That guy is so slow, I've never seen anything like it. We put our coats on then headed out and Eric asked if we were leaving and I answered yes but then thought I'd misheard him so I confirmed the question he'd asked. We started chatting about New Year's, his EMT job, Wade's, then the 40 ft sailboat he's fixin to buy. I was like, "Well let me give you my number so I can clear my calendar for this summer" or something and I hope he doesn't think I'm retarded. Finally we said bye and walked out into the alley and I told Susan I'd had to refrain from declaring "I'm Karrah, I'm hilarious!" We walked to our cars discussing the details of Friday night's plans then took off. I checked myspace when I got home as I've become increasingly suspicious about Ian's friend Sasha and that they're more than friends, as, being the day after he broke up with me, she had changed her profile picture to one of the two of them. I don't know if my suspicions will ever be proved foundationless. Ian said there was nothing there but just because he wasn't physically involved with her doesn't mean there hasn't been something emotional brewing. It breaks my heart and makes me feel like shit. Blah. I went to bed around 1:45.
Wednesday 1/2, Peggy let me off work early so I headed home to find my Jenny Lewis cd in the mail so I popped it in, started putting laundry away then started singing along with “Rise Up with Fists!” when my phone rang and it was Ian. I was so excited. I told him I was listening to one of the songs that makes me think about him but when I asked how he was doing he said he was feeling down and that he didn’t think about what he was going to say before he called then said he didn’t want to do this anymore. I wasn’t surprised and I didn’t upset right away but as we talked more I started crying. He asked me not to hate him and that would never be possible but it’s just insanely sad that we can’t be together forever, or at least for a while. I don’t really want to write anymore about it, so just suffice to say it was heartbreaking and so hard to say goodbye. I got into bed and started crying. And crying. And crying. I went through my texts from him and deleted most of them and cried at those too because they were little cute jokes and sweet things he said and I felt like they were just going to mock me. Then I went online and deleted a bunch of pictures, both with Ian and others because I needed to simplify and not have so many pictures of him and me that would depress me every time I look at my profile. I cried some more and just laid on my bed listening to Jenny Lewis. I told Susan via a myspace message and continued to lay there. Eventually I called her at a quarter after eight and she listened and was a good friend then needed to go but said she would call me later. I watched some tv and went back and read some old blog entries about Ian and me, from when we met and when he first came up here then Gossip Girl started and I was so insanely happy, especially to have a distraction. About 20 minutes in Kay-See called and I thought she’d looked at my profile but it turns out she was coming back from North Bend and wanted to hear stories and when I gave a pathetic little sigh she asked what was wrong, I told her and started bawling. She was like “Oh my God, I’ll be there in 5 minutes” so I pulled myself together and when I came down the stairs to answer the door I saw her peering in the window with a big goofy smile on her face. We sat in the living room and I told her all about the conversation we’d had the night before and how I thought things were ok, or at least that they would be for a little while longer, and about the conversation we’d had earlier and about Brandon and all that and about some possible trips coming up. I made her go upstairs to see my new bed and she loved it and we just laid there for a bit talking and enjoying the softness. It was 10:30 so she decided to go home and I called Susan and gave her an update on how I was feeling but needed to jump off to get in the shower and into bed. So I did that then got a text and it was from K and she said boys suck then she called me and we talked about how things were with R and issues there so I gave her my opinion and we hung up a while later. I went to bed without crying but it did take me a while.
Tuesday 1/1, I woke up at 9:30 and fed J then climbed back into bed for some SatC and eventually got some cereal. I stayed in bed alllll morning watching my show, playing on the computer and enjoying the warmth and comfortableness of my wonderful bed. I ignored a few random squeaks and hoped those missing washers weren't going to fuck anything up. I finally emerged, dressed and went to the mall. I exchanged something at Macy's then went to Nordstrom to exchange the mascara for brown then to Sephora for Jack Black lip stuff since every Nordstrom seems to be out of it. I went to Macy's and tried to find something to buy and eventually got a little tank top but felt disappointed in the lack of cute / appealing stuff. I was tired so I went home and watched Holiday and felt a little sad about Ian. I decided to move some furniture in my room around and felt good about that then played with Jacques for a little bit and laughed at him jumping in the air for his green feathery toy. So there I am, sitting on my bed watching "The Biggest Loser" when my phone rings. What does it say? Brandon. What. The. Fuck. Really? Seriously? So I answer and we both only got a sentence or two out before my phone hung up on him. He called back and I apologized then he was like "10 seconds, that's gotta be a record". We ended up talking for over an hour and it was actually really nice. We had a lot to talk about and I broke it down for him multiple times but I don't think it made him feel that bad because I told him it was ok. Crazy. Blast from the past. So we hung up then I called Susan who was in the middle of date night then called Ian and had a really good conversation with him. We talked about work and Brandon and Andrea and her breaking up with her rebound and how I still felt like he might be seeing someone or interested in someone but he didn't want me to feel that way and said he would break up with me well before that ever happened and he didn't want me to worry about it ever. So that made me feel better. I told him about my bed and New Year's then we discussed how we're doing and I actually felt reassured. We hung up and I went to bed not too much later.
posted by Karrah at 5:44 PM
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