Tuesday 6/30, Eric was working late. When I got home I took out the dogs, filed, organized all my receipts and credit card statements going back to the beginning of the year, cleaned up the kitchen, and folded laundry. Eric got home at 9:45 and we talked for a long time in the dining room. About his progress, my mental state, our relationship, etc. I showered and got into bed, watched 10 minutes of friends, updated this, and went to bed.

Monday 6/29, I got home and was only there for 30 minutes or so before Eric took off to meet up with a friend to go to a meeting. He made me a salad for dinner. I called Susan and talked about wedding details, then fed the dogs, ate my salad, and took off to get some stuff at Super Supplements. At home I watched Far From the Madding Crowd clips, trailers and featurettes on tv, then texted Sos to set up a time to call but she called right away. We only talked for 20 minutes but I pretty much filled her in on everything. Bachelorette came on and I felt a sense of calm and satisfaction. Eric got home before 9. I watered the plants in the front yard then showered and into bed. Updated this and went to bed.

Sunday 6/28, I woke up early but ended up falling back asleep until 8:45. When I got up the house was super stuffy since all the windows were closed. I ate breakfast and started feeling down again so I laid down and started to fall back asleep. Eric took off for a meeting but was back in a half hour because he couldn’t find it. I decided to get up and start getting ready for my lunch with Stef. I took off a little early in case I had trouble finding it or parking. I got to the Bistro at the Hollywood Schoolhouse (?) a few minutes before Stef did. We ordered and sat outside. It was overcast and had rained a little overnight. I filled her in on everything going on with Eric then she filled me in on what she wanted to talk about. Relationship stuff. We were there for a long time, then said goodbye, and headed home. Eric was there. We sat on the couch for a little bit watching some random show. Soon we took off for Tukwila to go see Far From the Madding Crowd. It was over by 6:30. It was very good; I really loved it. Back at home, Eric called Jim while I fed the dogs. I put the pizza in the oven then Eric finished it off. We ate dinner then went to the store. Back at home I did some research about my new favorite movie and got into bed.

Saturday 6/27, Eric was off to work early but I ended up getting up around 7:00 anyway. Fed the dogs, went for a walk at the park (the first exercise I’ve had in 3.5 weeks), walked the dogs around the neighborhood, trimmed the roses in the front yard, then laid down. I felt tired so I fell asleep for a few hours. I got up and went over to Mom’s to help load up a couple windows, but we could only take one. Talked to Mom and Dad for a little bit then went home. It was too late for me to see the movie I wanted to see (Far from the Madding Crowd) especially since Eric ditched me to go to a meeting and meetup. I didn’t feel great, kind of depressed, so I laid down and took another nap. Eric got me food for dinner but I decided to go see another movie so I didn’t eat it. I went down to Renton / Tukwila to see Age of Adeline. I liked it and the imagery was very pleasing. When I was driving home I started feeling sad again and started crying. I pretty much cried all the way home. In addition to just feeling overwhelmed and sad I started thinking about Keith. Turns out the following day marked the one-year anniversary of his funeral. I got home around 9:30 and Eric still wasn’t home. I got into bed and he arrived maybe 45 minutes later. He came in to talk to me and I started crying again, and on and off for the next 30 minutes. He sat with me and talked to me and wants me to see a therapist. I just wish I could be a kid again and have my Dad take care of me. Being an adult feels too overwhelming and dissatisfying. I just want to be taken care of. It was like 11 and I was exhausted, despite two naps. Eric said goodnight and I went to bed. Slept like a rock.

Friday 6/26, I felt good leaving work and the weather was nice, but hot. Eric went to a meeting and was gone pretty much all night. I did stuff around the house and relaxed. I think I watered some of the plants. I think I went to bed early.

Thursday 6/25, I got off a little early and Eric was home when I got there. We sat and talked for a while and he had tried to pay off some debt but it didn’t happen how it should have. I printed some articles for him to look at and go over. I worked for a little bit then Eric left for a meeting. I had dinner, then talked to Mom, and watered the backyard and patio in the front. I finished up my work and Eric came home. Got ready for bed and talked to Eric for a while until it was lights out.

Wednesday 6/24, Eric had a not so great day but it was better by the end. I went to Susan’s after work and we talked for a long time before starting X-Files. We got through two episodes and the second is a “to be continued”. I left around 7:45 and Eric was at a meeting when I got home. I ate something, cleaned up the kitchen, then sat down to work for a little bit. When Eric got home we went over his finances and things aren’t so bad. We talked about how he’s feeling and our respective days, then I showered and got into bed. Updated this and watched Friends.

Tuesday 6/23, Had a work meeting that went okay but P isn’t thrilled to have them as a client. Eric was working then had a meetup and a meeting so I was on my own for the evening. I stopped at the store on the way home. I took out the dogs, got them settled and then worked on bills in the dining room. I made a call to a lab that sent me a letter and got that squared away. I had dinner and put on Bachelorette, which was the highlight of my night. After it was over I showered and watered the front yard. Eric came home and had had a really good day for the first time since all this happened. I asked if he wanted to take the dogs on a walk so we leashed up the pups and I put Brizo in the sling and we did a little tour around the neighborhood. At home I got into bed and Eric talked to me about the prior evening, his day, let me read his journal, and plans for work. I updated this because I was super behind.

Monday 6/22, I rushed home to take care of the dogs and change my clothes for dinner at Brass Tacks for Mom’s birthday. I swung by MI to pick up Eric and we made it to Georgetown right as Kass, Mom, and Dad did. BT is closed on Mondays so it was just us and Sky decorated with balloons, streamers, confetti, and hired a piano player. There was so much food I felt so sick when I was done. Everything was amazing. Eric and I took off, stopped to pick up dog food and his car, then home. At home I took out the dogs and I opened up all the windows and doors. Mom and Dad arrived and Eric talked to Mom while I tried to wear out Martin and talked to Dad outside. Dad and I got ready for bed while Eric kept Mom up for a while talking. He came in briefly after Mom turned in but I was so tired I couldn’t stay awake to hear how it went.

Sunday 6/21, We were up early once again and Eric went to an early morning meeting at 7. I watered the plants and did some cleaning up in preparation of Dad coming for a couple days. We got ready to go to Mom’s for brunch for Father’s Day and we stopped at the store on the way there to pick up drinks. Father’s Day was good and the food was good. We stayed and talked until after 1 then took off, stopping at Mud Bay to get some bullies for the dogs. Stopped at the store to pick up stuff for dinner then home. Dad arrived about 30 minutes later and brought me a new hose. Eric sat Dad down right away to tell him and get it over with. Dad reacted how I figured he would. He didn’t beat him up, just told him it would be okay and to work on it. After that we went around the house going over projects: sprinkler system, hose bibs, electrical for outdoor stuff, and moving kitchen cabinets around. Kass and Sky arrived early and Kass brought an awesome mid-century light for me and sold it to me for $60. We set up shop out on the deck and played Mexican Train. I won the first game and then we started dinner. We ate, cleared the table, then played another game. I won again. I like that game! The third game I did not win, but I was really close. We packed stuff up and they took off. We were tired and got ready for bed. Said good night to Dad and Eric came in the bedroom with me to talk about the day. He was feeling anxious during dinner and unsettled by Dad’s response. He said it’s like he wants to be punished, but knows how fucked up that is.

Saturday 6/20, We were up early because the dogs refuse to let us sleep in. I dropped off my car to have it serviced and hung out at home for the day. I wanted to do some cleaning but ended up not doing much except some laundry. I went through some magazines while Eric went to a meeting. My car was finished so we went down to pick it up and he took off for work on his bike when I got home. I took a multi-hour nap, fed the dogs, then went over to Susan’s for dinner and X-Files. We went to Trader Joe’s where I got some sugary snacks, then to the gyro place which was closed until 7:00. We went up to her place where we watched an episode about the Rain Man. We went back to the gyro place, I got some food and we went back up and watched another episode where Skinner almost dies (that Krycek!). I left to go pick up Eric from work and we talked on the way home. I stayed up late and watched a little SNL though Eric went to bed early since he got up early and didn’t get a nap.

Friday 6/19, I had a wonderful dream about RG. I was being chased by two Doberman and I climbed up a chain link fence to get away, but then got stranded because there was one on each side. There was a restaurant right there and a bunch of my family was sitting there, including AL who loves Dobies, but no one would come out to help. Finally RG comes out and manages to get the dogs to go away, though I don’t remember how. I finally could come down. RG was my hero. I woke up euphoric. Eric was at a meeting or something so I called Mom and wished her a happy birthday and maybe I watered the plants. I really don’t remember. I think I watched a Dateline or 48 Hours show. Dex had been dropped off in the afternoon.

Thursday 6/18, I beat Eric home and sat with the dogs in the backyard. Eric came home and we talked for a little while in the dining room then went to the store. I made myself some dinner and Eric took off for a meeting. I vacuumed then worked and watched Dateline. We watched Aquarius and Eric was surprised he didn’t hate it. I showered and got into bed.

Wednesday 6/17, It was a better day. When I got home I felt down about his medical bills. I cleaned my shower and Eric came in and talked to me while I did it. He made dinner and I left for my 8 pm massage with Corey. The new space is really nice. The massage was a little painful, per my request, and we did some talking. I called Dad on the way home and filled him in. He’s going to come on Sunday afternoon. I gave Eric an update on my massage then we went to bed.

Tuesday 6/16, Eric had a not good day. First a panic attack at a meeting then a long day back at work where his anxiety was really high all day. He called me on his lunchbreak and he was crying. I told him it was going to be okay. I talked to Mom and got pretty worked up about everything and how mad I was at the position he put me in and where we are at this point in our relationship. When he got home I let him have it and that took the anxiety up another notch and the crying and panic started again. I calmed down and we talked and he felt a little better but he had to take another dose of his meds. We went to bed since it was late. What a fucking nightmare.

Monday 6/15, Eric had his first counseling appointment and he filled me in after it was over. It went well which helped his state of mind since he was quite nervous beforehand. I was so exhausted after lunch that I actually fell asleep for over an hour. Oops. I felt a little down as I left work, but that’s usually how I feel after napping in the afternoon. At home I told Eric how I was feeling and we had several conversations throughout the evening and things are good, just trying to stay supportive of each other. I sat outside in the shade and looked at some magazines then inside where I kept Eric company while he made me an omelet for dinner. I showered and got in bed, ready for Bachelorette. I took care of some emails and cleared out my inbox.

Sunday 6/14, Talked to Chrystol in the evening. She just wanted to tell me that her and Sky support me no matter what decision I make. I have no idea what else. I know Eric had a good day. Other than that, no clue.

Saturday 6/13, Eric’s plan was to talk to Mom that day so he was stressed. He started writing early in the morning and did for a long time. Mom came over and we sat down and Eric went over everything and Mom stayed for quite a while. He felt better afterward. She said she had a feeling and had figured out some of it. We talked forever. She asked who he was the most nervous to talk to, and he said Sky and Chrystol. After she left he went out in the yard and I think I did stuff around the house. Eric told me Sky and Chrystol were coming over to drop something off. He didn’t want to tell them but I told him I thought he should. They arrived and brought us dinner. We sat them down and Eric told them everything. There were some tears but a lot of understanding. Mom called so I went out to talk to her for a little bit then back inside. Chrystol was in the kitchen so I went and hung with her and filled her in on some of the other stuff that she had questions about. They took off a little after 8 and we ate some of the quiche and salad they brought (both excellent). Eric had felt good earlier in the day and wanted to get a DQ treat so we went down there and each got a blizzard. We had a nice time and cracked up at the music playing. On the way home Chrystol called and said she wanted to talk to me privately and that we’d talk the next day. When we got home I relaxed and ended up going to bed early.

Friday 6/12, Another good night’s sleep and he was so tired in the morning he didn’t want to get out of bed. Thank goodness. I made him get up and ready and wanted him to go with me to work one more time. Had a good day and he was able to drive to Whole Foods for lunch for himself (he hadn’t driven in a week because of the panic and anxiety) and after we got home he drove down to get himself a haircut. We went to pick up a pizza for dinner and watched Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. Eric started falling asleep toward the end and we went to bed early once again. Probably around 10, maybe a little earlier.

Thursday 6/11, I went into his room at 7, expecting the worse, and thankfully was surprised that he’d had a good night’s sleep and was still tired. He felt okay and wasn’t anxious. I instantly felt better. I got ready for work and he was going to go to work with me again so he got ready and off we went. Better day, all day. Unfortunately that evening we had another meetup for Martin down in Federal Way. Eric didn’t want to go but I told him I really needed him like he needs me right now. He went with me and I kept him distracted by asking sports questions and he did a lot of reminiscing. The visit went really well and made a lot of progress with Martin and Petey. I was hopeful, but the next day June let me know she didn’t want to move forward. When I got home I wrote to everyone about the visit and they all gave me excellent feedback. I scrounged for dinner and we both went to bed early again since we were exhausted.

Wednesday 6/10, Eric woke me up in the middle of the night and was manic again. I couldn’t sleep from about 1:00 am until 5:00 ish. It was awful. My stomach was in knots and I was anxious that we’d never get him calmed down. The meds were supposed to keep him calm for 24 hours and they didn’t even work for 5 hours. He called the doctor first thing and got an 8:15 appointment. We were really early because he was anxious to get down there. We had the same nurse but a different doctor. We went through everything again and the dr put him on a different anti-anxiety that the other doctor wanted to use as a last resort. We went straight to have it filled and Eric made a counseling appointment while I was inside dropping it off. We walked over to the memorial park while the rx was being filled and Eric just broke down, sobbing frantically and told me he had to tell me something and that he was so sorry and so scared. Totally manic. He told me he never finished school and hasn’t been working at Lakeside. I just kept telling him it was okay. He was bawling and collapsed on the ground. My only goal was to get him calmed down and reassure him. After 20 minutes or so he was collected and we went back to get the script. We went home and sat in the backyard where he confessed everything and I asked question after question. I wasn’t happy, but I’ve always known something was going on but didn’t know what. Now I knew. He got a lot of stuff out and I felt better because I no longer felt like I was crazy for always being so paranoid. It also explains the money issues. Anyway, I told him I needed to go into work and at least check in. We took a walk when we got there and he was feeling super tired from the meds but the doctor told him not to sleep. I checked on work stuff and it was unusually dead. We left and went home. He laid down and I put on Your Highness. He lightly slept for a little bit then got up and went in the living room. I fell asleep and when I woke up he’d gone for a walk and had just returned. He was manic again. Afraid he was going to hurt himself, he doesn’t want to live like this, he’s so scared, etc. He called the doctor and thankfully he told him to take another one. Eric asked if we could call Mom and ask her to come over. She helped us devise a plan for the meds and to basically take them throughout the day rather than a couple in the morning and a couple in the evening. Things calmed down a little but he was still freaked out. Mom was over for three hours and she is a lifesaver. Dad called to check on me while she was over and I broke down telling him I was so exhausted and drained. I was just waiting for the next manic episode to crop up. The rest of the night went okay. He took his pills and went to bed earlyish. I woke up in the middle of the night terrified that he was going to be manic again in the morning. Anxiety was through the roof for me.

Tuesday 6/9, The day started out not good and Eric was a mess from the time he woke up. He wanted to go to work with me again so off we went and on the way he told me quit his job the prior week and was too scared to tell me. Also, he has a whole bunch of debt from something super trivial but has grown to an insane bill over the last five years. I told him it would be okay and we’d work through it. He was such a wreck he basically spent the entire day, except maybe about an hour total, having panic attacks and crying. It was an awful day. I spent a lot of the day on the floor with him telling him he would be okay, wasn’t going to die, and that his heartbeat was normal. We managed to get him an appointment for later that day rather than the next day. I emailed Janell to see if there was anyone else who could take Gus because things were not great for Eric at the moment. She said they could take him and I was so grateful. We made plans for me to meet Troy that night at 8. We had to go home first to let out the dogs and feed them, then headed out for his appointment. He was fine until we got close then he got depressed. The appointment went well and he showed her the range of his emotional state. She prescribed two meds and gave him a bunch of exercises to do regularly. We went to the store to drop off his rx, then home quickly to let out the dogs again, and pack up Gus and all of his things. We stopped at the store, picked up the two rxs, he took the one, and we head down to Tukwila to meet Troy. By the time we got there he was relaxing and actually laughing. What a relief. What a day. We did the handoff of Gus then got Eric a burger since he hadn’t eaten for the past 2.5 days. Back at home he got into bed and I did a few things around the house and sent off texts to let everyone know things were better. I talked to Jojo’s person and he was very sweet and told us if we ever needed anything to let him know and that anyone who takes that good of care of Jojo is important to them. I teared up on the phone and thanked him. When I went inside Eric was starting to doze off so I took some of the dogs out to the living room and updated this, watched tv, and sent off emails.

Monday 6/8, Eric stayed home from work and was not doing well at all. I told him to call Mom and he went for a walk as I left. Things were not good and he called mid-morning crying and having a panic attack. Mom talked to him for over an hour and I told him I’d go pick him up and he could spend the rest of the day with me at work since P was out of the country on vacation. The rest of the day went better with minimal anxiety. At home it was just more managing of Eric’s emotions. I watched Bachelor and he fell asleep early; though he woke up and had a restless rest of the night’s sleep.

Sunday 6/7, When we woke up Eric was having some issues and was feeling anxious and panicked. He hadn’t gotten much sleep which wasn’t good. He went inside and was pretty stoic. I had pancakes for breakfast then we went upstairs to get ready. He started freaking out and said he needed to leave and we needed to go home. I told him we needed to tell Dad so we walked down to the river where he was. There was a snake in the water. Eric told Dad that he was having a panic attack and had been having anxiety for the past week and it was flaring up again. Dad gave him a hug and told him it would be okay and that if he needed anything that he’s there for him. We packed up our stuff and got on the road. He was better the closer we got to home. When we arrived he relaxed and was feeling better for most of the day. I had to go down to Tukwila to pick up our new foster, Gus. He was so cute and seemingly laid back. When we got home we did introductions and Martin behaved himself and wanted to play so bad. He was a little rough so we kept a close eye on them to make sure Gus was okay. I spent part of the evening watering the plants in the backyard and had Gus with me. He wanted to bite the water spray so I put it down by him and he walked through it and put his face in it. He loved it. When I wouldn’t spray him he would cry and bark at me. So funny. Later in the evening Eric was feeling not so great so he slept in the bedroom with me and all the dogs. It was not really restful.

Saturday 6/6, We were up around 8:30 and went into the motorhome where Dad was having a pancake. He made me a couple and we watched some racing qualifying thing in Toronto. I went up to get ready and when I was done it was time for us to head into Wenatchee. We drove in and talked the entire way. We parked and went into my favorite furniture store and there was so much mid-century furniture and it was all so inexpensive that I had a hard time choosing what I wanted to buy. I told Dad and Eric I needed to think about it and that we should get lunch across the street at Lemolo. Eric and I split a turkey and avocado sandwich then we went back over and I bought a chair that needed to be recovered and a magazine rack. I asked the gals if they knew anyone who reupholsters and they gave me the name of a guy outside town. I called and he said I could come over and bring the chair. We found the place and met Larry. He was quite a character. Eric and I picked out a fabric for the chair then Larry wanted to show us around the place and it was pretty spectacular. Nice property with a lot of stuff to look at and some pick-y items I thought Kass would like. Eric started to have a panic attack so we walked back to the car and he got in while Dad and I thanked him and said bye. We stopped at Costco for gas then headed back to the property. We decided we were going to grill at home and relax for the evening. When we got home Eric and I laid down and rested for a few hours. When we got into the motorhome Dad was making dinner and we watched Pawn Stars. We talked until 10 or so then turned in since we were all sleepy. Unfortunately Eric did not get a good night’s sleep.

Friday 6/5, P let me leave early so I headed home and got started on chores and finished packing. I cleaned stuff up and had quite a bit done by the time Eric got home. We waited for Michelle to arrive to meet Martin and go over everything then took off for Plain. We stopped in Monroe and ate at DQ. I was very hungry and ate all of my four chicken tenders. Back on the road, but not for long: Sultan Bakery was next and I got a cookie, though I couldn’t eat it all. We made it to the property and it was still light. They repaved the whole road all the way to the gravel. Dad came out to meet us and we all went into the motorhome to talk and relax. We stayed up until around midnight then we went upstairs and went to bed.

Thursday 6/4, When I got home I quickly ate something then we took off to go do another meetup for Martin and brought Clancy. The meetup went better than the one on Monday but we still didn’t get to where I was hoping we’d be. Martin is very reactive though the trainer friend was able to get him close to Petey as long as Petey wasn’t moving around. We left at 7:40 and let Jojo’s person know we’d be home at 8:00 for pickup. After she went home I had something to eat then showered, filled in the ladies about Martin’s meetup, and watched Mulder’s new show.

Wednesday 6/3, I was super tired on the way home but I knew we needed to do Marty’s microchip when I got home. We packed him up and went down to the vet and I could hear him crying from out in the waiting area. We went home and I played with him out in the backyard and that put him in a better mood. Eric started dinner and I went in the bedroom and shut the door for some alone time. I talked to Dad about going over to Plain for the weekend and asked Michelle if she could dog sit over the weekend. We ate dinner and watched tv until 9. I showered and we took out all the dogs, then into bed.

Tuesday 6/2, Jojo was dropped off in the morning. After work I knew I needed to work out since it had been over a week since I last had a proper workout. Eric went with me and we ran at the park and did 2.5 times around. I had to walk at the end because I was so exhausted. When we got home I showered and we took off for Costco where we got mostly veggies and a pizza for dinner. I was so hungry I ended up eating two big pieces, then some chocolate. I didn’t feel great after that but that pizza was good. I watched Bachelorette in the living room and went to bed by 10:30.

Monday 6/1, When I got home Eric was busy getting everything ready for Martin’s home visit. I was expecting it to go off without a hitch but unfortunately the resident dog, Petey, was so jacked up and excited to meet Martin that Martin became reactive and wanted nothing to do with Petey. The sister of the applicant picked up Petey to let Martin smell his butt and Martin bit poor Petey’s butt. What a cheap shot. We couldn’t believe it. We were there for almost two hours and never got them to do proper introductions. I was disappointed when we left but Eric tried to give me a pep talk. At home I sent out emails letting everyone know it didn’t go well. We decided to try again on Thursday at a neutral location in Tukwila. When we got home I got ready for bed and crashed early.